Chapter 36

BPOV

After the dream that left me worshiping the porcelain god, no matter what I did I couldn’t go back to sleep. Whenever I felt close to drifting off those sounds would invade my mind and I tossed and turned. Not even able to let the security I felt from Edward’s presence quiet me. Finally at five-thirty I couldn’t take it anymore.

While I walked to the dresser to get one of Edward’s t-shirts – I really needed to bring some clothes into his room – my calves and inner thighs ached making me groan. It was the kind of ache that reminded me that I had had been thoroughly tucked, shucked, and fucked.

“Where you going babe?” Edward’s voice didn’t startle me but I was surprised he was awake. Then again with how restless I had been for the last two hours, I can’t imagine he got much sleep.

“I’m going downstairs to make coffee.” I didn’t think that was a good enough explanation so I added, “I can’t sleep and I don’t want to keep disturbing you.”

“Hmm…come here,” he held his hand out and it was impossible to not accept the invitation. Once I was back in his arms he kissed my forehead.

“Are you alright?”

Was I alright? I didn’t know, but how do I tell him that the woman he loves is some kind of crazy bitch that lets a simple sound unnerve her.

“I’m fine, I just can’t sleep.”

“Do you want me to get up with you?”

“No. You go back to sleep, I’ll be fine.” Edward sighed but relented and after another kiss he released his hold on me, and reluctantly I went downstairs with Seth on my heels.

After starting the much needed coffee I worked on unpacking the bags from the weekend. Throwing a load of wash in the machine before sitting on the couch with a cup of hot coffee and the book I had started yesterday. After a few chapters I was beginning to understand the concepts she was trying to get across. It was a discipline of the mind to achieve the ultimate goal of living your life to the fullest. Reaching into the depths of your psyche to find that inner voice that she calls god, but I would call a conscience, and allowing that to rid yourself of guilt, fear, and doubt. Once those things can be overcome then you use the god inside you, by use of abhyas or constant repetition, to experience the joy of this life.

By the time I had finished my fourth cup of coffee it was a little after seven and Edward was coming down the stairs. I watched him as he moved towards me, his hair was messy and all he had on was a pair of green flannel pajama bottoms, leaving me to ogle at the sight of his bare chest, which of course he caught me doing, that fact was obvious by the smirk on his face.

He sat on the couch pulling my feet into his lap, rubbing them while he talked. “What’s up Babe?”

I shook my head not ready to start talking about it yet, that would encompass a full explanation of the attack that occurred in my kitchen and at that moment I just wasn’t prepared to do that. So I evaded the question.

“Nothing, coffee is ready in the kitchen, do you want me to get you some?” Edward narrowed his eyes at me, but didn’t push the issue. I suppose giving me time to figure it out in my own mind first.

“No, I’ll get it in a minute.” He scrutinized my face then added, “You didn’t sleep very well.”

My eyes went to the book in my hand while I confessed, “I had a dream.” Edward waited for me to elaborate and I was growing uncomfortable under his dissecting gaze. “Can we not talk about it now… I’m just not ready.”

The last part came out in a hush and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. I felt so weak and lost from the fear of the guilt. I knew I shouldn’t feel responsible or shame, I tell that to the women at the center all the time, but saying it and living it are two entirely different things.

At that moment I just wanted to crawl back into the cocoon that I had created for myself. The one where I could pretend that nothing had ever happened, and that I was that strong independent woman who deserved to be loved; who could live a normal life with someone sharing in all the joys or sorrows that come along it.

The problem was that the cocoon had been opened and there was no going back inside. I was going to have to face the reality that I could never be normal. That for the rest of my life I would have to carry the burden of making poor decisions. Of being afraid of what people would think of me and knowing that everything about my life was substandard.

Peeking up at Edward through my tear filled eyes; I didn’t want him to know that about me. When I saw myself through his eyes I was who I pretend to be and a whole lot more. I wasn’t ready to shatter his perception of me yet, I just wanted to hold on to it for a little bit longer.

“You know Bella; there is nothing so bad that would change my love for you.”

I wanted so badly to believe him, but I just couldn’t see how that could be. Once he saw how weak I truly was, that I couldn’t even protect myself in my own home. That I allowed myself to be degraded in the worse possible way, I couldn’t find it in me to forgive and love myself. How could he possibly do it? No, it was easier to pretend and that’s what I was going to do.

“I’m alright Edward, I’m just tired.” Edward sighed heavily.

“You’re a terrible liar Bella, but I’ll let it go for now. Come on, let’s go eat some breakfast.” I wasn’t hungry, but I knew I had to eat something, so I took his hand and let him pull me to my feet. Wincing as the movement once again caused my thighs to ache.

“Muscles sore?” I nodded at his observation

“Just a little...” I confessed. “…I guess I don’t use those muscles very often.”

“Well, we shall see about rectifying that.” Edward grinned then chuckled at the blush that took over my face.

I knew it was outlandish but there is just something about being ass fucked that brings a whole new level of intimacy to the relationship. It’s like Eve taking a bite out of the forbidden fruit. You feel wicked just thinking about it, corrupt because you take pleasure in it, and completely depraved because you can’t wait to sink your teeth into it again.

I didn’t have time to dwell on those thoughts because Seth’s sad brown eyes were looking at me with that ‘come on mom I got to pee’ stare, and Edwards’s stomach growled making me laugh as we walked into the kitchen. He went straight to the refrigerator while I let the dog out and then switched the washed clothes into the dryer.

“I was thinking poached eggs,” he said, holding up the carton. I agreed with him, so while he started the water I made the toast and a fresh pot of coffee. When we sat down to eat, he placed two Tylenol in front me, which I gratefully took and he started talking.

“You didn’t have any problem with the modified approach? I mean you seemed to fall right into it." I agreed with him, and Edward said that whenever we are around others during our usual that is the way we would conduct ourselves.

“Do you have any questions about that?” he asked taking a drink of coffee.

“No. But can I ask you something?” He looked at me expectantly, so I continued, “What did you give Emmett?” I could see him thinking and I couldn’t understand what the dilemma was.

“That is their personal business Bella. Rose was in a funk, and Emmett wanted to make sure she could relax on the ride home, he wanted some extra restraint for her.” I guess he wasn’t going to tell me exactly what he gave him.

“Oh…she was feeling better; at least I think she was by then.” I reflected.

Edward stopped eating to look at me. “She talked about it?”

I nodded, “yes, and on Saturday she told us what happened to her in Chicago.” That news seemed to surprise him.

“While you were having your tea party?”

“Tea party?” I laughed at his question.

He shrugged at my inquiry, “what else would you call it? I’m just surprised to find out what women talk about over tea.”

“You should hear what we talk about over a bottle of wine.” I smirked while I swallowed the bite of food.

Edward grew serious, “I don’t think I want to know.” I was looking down at my plate while I made my next confession.

“I was just surprised you left him in the room, I was kind of self-conscious being on my knees in my waiting position.” He placed his hand under my chin for me to look at him.

“I would never have let anyone in that would pass judgment on your place at that moment.” I knew that but I didn’t get to reply because Edward asked me, “were you too self-conscious? Uncomfortably so?” I answered him as honestly as I could.

“No, not really. Well at first, but then I just figured I could trust you so it was alright.”

Edward’s eyes scanned my face, I don’t know what he was looking for or what he found, but he went on.

“Then how self-conscious were you on the dance floor?” I had to stop mid chew as the memory came back to me. I could feel my face heat up and the moisture starting to pool between my thighs. Edward chuckled as I told him exactly how I felt, scared, excited, and satisfied. Then a thought occurred to me.

“Did you know you were going to have me do that?” The expression on his face became one of explicit resolve.

“It was part of the plan that was your reward.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I was kind of ticked; I think that’s something I should have been informed of. However Edward didn’t agree because he got a little ticked himself.

“What would you have liked me to have said? Oh by the way Bella, I’m going to have you orgasm in the middle of a crowded room. You wouldn’t have let go of your inhibitions enough to trust me and enjoy the experience, besides I told you it was your reward.” He was right of course, I would have been so nervous; there was no way I would have done it. Then it dawned on me what he was saying.

“My reward?”

“Yes. You said you wanted to do some exhibitionism.” Edward smirked.

I did want to, but that’s not exactly what I had in mind. He continued to explain his reasoning. “Bella, I can’t very well act out that fantasy you have of being restrained and teased in front of people if you have difficulty having an orgasm in a semi-private moment. It’s all a building process, and that was your first step.” I thought about that and he was right again.

“Then thank you, because I enjoyed my reward.” Edward grinned with a quick nod of his head. I figured I would confess, “I couldn’t have held it off any longer. With you singing, your hands on me, and BFF buzzing away, ah…it was inevitable.”

“Bella why are we calling the C-Grip BFF?” he asked with a chuckle. “Not that it matters, you can name some toys, but at least Big Blue made sense.” He chuckled once more but I countered his question with one of my own.

“Why is it called a C-Grip?” I asked with raised eyes and smugness in my tone.

Edward looked at me incredulously, “I believe because it grips the clitoris.”

My face fell, “Oh.” I hadn’t thought of that. He was still staring at me waiting. “Well…I thought the C was for cunt, and that’s a vile word.” I looked in his eyes pleading, “Please don’t ever call me that, or use that word to me?”

“I won’t.” He said it with such conviction, that I knew he wouldn’t.

I went on to explain my reasoning for the name change as best I could remember from my lust induced haze of yesterday’s ride home, ending with saying. “I think every woman needs a BFF, it should be mandatory government issued!”

Edward burst out laughing. “That good?”

I giggled confirming my theory with a nod, “Uh-huh!”

“Well at any rate, I’m glad you let go and experienced it. I might also add that you did very well and I was proud of you.”

“Once I figured out what you wanted me to do and that it was alright to let go, I knew that you wouldn’t let me fall or make a spectacle of myself…” Edward interrupted me.

“Anything I ask of you I will be there to help you through it or watch you enjoy it. You never have to stand on your own; you can, and should, always depend on me.” I looked in his eyes while he spoke the words.

“I’m starting to realize that, but Edward it still scares me sometimes.”

“You are either going to trust me Bella or you’re not. It’s all or nothing.” The intensity that was in Edward’s eyes left no doubt in my mind that he wasn’t talking about my orgasm on the dance floor. The conversation had returned to my earlier evasion and I had to look away from his forceful stare.

“I trust you,” I said looking down at my half eaten breakfast.

“I know you do, and I will wait until you are ready. Just don’t make me wait too long, I run out of patience sometimes.” I didn’t know what that meant. Was he telling me that he would dismiss me? I didn’t get to ask because he got to the point of the evening that I was trying hard not to think about.

“Is it safe for me to assume that caning is now a hard limit?”

“I…I don’t know.” I could feel my stomach turning as the image came to my mind.

“You don’t know? Bella you were so alarmed I had to carry you out.”

I didn’t know how to answer him, it wasn’t the caning itself, it was the sounds that went along with it. But there was no way in hell I was going to be able to take part in anything that had those sounds attached to it. I closed my eyes trying to calm myself, wrapping my arms around my stomach as it became more unstable. It was like my mind had pressed repeat on the swish …thwack cd because that was all I could hear and my body trembled as the nausea overtook me.

“Bella…BELLA…Isabella!” I could feel the tears falling over my face as I heard Edward say my name. But I couldn’t answer him or remain sitting there.

“Oh my god…I’m going to sick.”

I ran into the bathroom slamming the door closed and making it to the toilet just in time. I stayed there with my head lying on my arm that was perched along the side of the bowl. The tears were streaming down my face as my body shook. Edward came in and went into his doctor role, using a cool cloth to wipe my forehead then laying it across the back of my neck. After a few minutes I opened my eyes to see him squatting next to me with a look of total alarm.

“Are you ill?” Yes I was, but not in the way he was asking about. As I sat up he handed me a glass of water and the cool liquid burned as it went down my throat.

“I’m fine…I just …I need a shower.” Yes that is what I needed to wash away all the revulsion.

Edward studied me for a few seconds, “go, I’ll clean up the kitchen.”

I was right, the hot water felt amazing, washing away all the bad dreams and uncertainties. As I dressed Edward came to my door holding a cup of apple juice, which I gladly accepted. He sat on the bed watching me gather my workout stuff together then pull my hair into a pony tail.

“I was thinking maybe we would go out to dinner tonight,” then he added, “that is, if you feel up to it.”

“I’m fine, where do you want to go?” I caught his eye in the mirror; he was still unconvinced of my wellbeing, which was obvious from his expression.

“Well, where ever you would like to go. This is on my brothers.” I turned quickly to look at him unsure I heard correctly. “Actually it’s on my father, but he got the cash from them.”

I sat down on the edge of the bed to put my shoes on. “Why is your dad giving you money from your brothers?”

Edward started to tell me about the bet, at least as much as he knew. It appears that they all picked a date that we would declare our love to each other. In fact, there are other events in our life that they picked dates for and are currently waiting to see who wins. To say I was stunned would have been an understatement, but nothing would have prepared me for the fact that Edward told me they picked all these dates the first Saturday we were all at Alice’s.

“That wasn’t even two days after we met!”

Edward pursed his lips and leaned towards me. “Actually Bella, it was three days…Thursday…Friday...Saturday,” he held out his fingers while listing the days with a huge grin on his face.

“Are you making fun of me?” I asked in mock anger.

“As a matter of fact I am, and what are you going to do about it?” I narrowed my eyes giving him my best ‘don’t piss me off’ look but that just made him laugh. I gasped standing to my feet with my hands on my hips with a ferocious glare. Edward laughed harder.

“Stop it baby, I can’t take it anymore,” he said continuing to laugh.

“I’m serious Edward!” I stamped my foot, but he wouldn’t stop laughing.

“I’m sorry baby, you’re just too cute!” He pulled on my hips so I was standing between his thighs.

“I wasn’t trying to be cute, I was going for mean and angry,” I told him running my fingers through his messy hair. His chin was perched on my chest with his head tilted up to look at me.

“I know, and I’m sure when you are really mad you’ll have me shaking in my shoes.” His head moved so the tip of his nose moved across my breasts sending little thrills through me as my nipples hardened.

“Stop that. I have to go or I won’t make my workout.”

“Mmm….stay. Come back to bed with me.” I had to admit the offer was tempting, but if I did that my whole schedule would be off.

“I would love to, but you see there is this guy who comes around a few days a week. He will be really upset if I don’t get my workouts in.”

“Is he bigger than me?” Edward looked up at me through his long lashes.

I laughed, “Sweetie, I don’t think there is anybody bigger then you…”

“Baby you say the sweetest things.”

I grinned down at him, “…he does have meaner eyes than you.”

He cocked his head to the side, “mean like they make you afraid?”

I leaned down to softly kiss his lips, “mean like…they make me wet” I whispered against his ear before pulling on the lobe with my teeth, causing him to groan.

“Bella…Gooo, get out of here before I rip off your clothes and tie you to my bed.”

I tisked, “promises, promises…”

Edwards’s hands moved down to squeeze my bottom. “Baby you should know by now, I never break a promise.” I got a hopeful happy feeling in my stomach that he just might mean he was going to tie me to the bed at that moment, but then he swatted my bottom before getting that wicked grin on his face.

“However, I have been known to propone them.” The disappointment must have shown on my face because he started laughing again.

I got a bottle of cold water, told Seth good-bye and walked out with Edward. He had an extra garage door opener that he wanted to give me so that I didn’t have to leave my car in the driveway. While he went to the passenger side to get it out of the cabinet I was putting my tote in the back seat on the driver’s side. He pointed the little black remote at the door and up it went. I watched as his eyes dropped down to the floor and his expression turned to puzzlement.

“Bella, you have a flat tire.”

“What?” I went over to the other side of the car to see the rear tire was completely flat. “Son of a Bitch! How the hell did that happen?”

We both stood there looking at it, like if we stared at it long enough it would magically inflate. I was already running behind, there was no way I was going to make my workout now. I finally came to my senses telling Edward I was going to call the auto club to come and change it and then Jake.

“Bella, I can change a tire.” Edward seemed insulted that I would suggest someone else coming out.

I explained my reasoning for calling Jake, “I only have that small spare dounut tire, so Jake is going to have to get me a new one.” My explanation still didn’t sit well with him - Men and their egos. Edward told me to take his car and he would change the tire then take the car to Jake’s shop so he could fix it. That way I would still get to the gym and make it to the center on time.

“Bella are you sure you feel up to going?” Edward asked while holding the door open for me. “You really didn’t get very much sleep and the morning as been … strenuous already.” I knew he was only asking out of concern and there was a part of me, a rather large part that wanted nothing more to stay home, but I couldn’t.

“I have to go Edward, its training week at the center and they are depending on me.” He sighed heavily and the look he was giving me was not making it any easier to leave. I forced myself to look away from his face so I could get into the car. Once I was in he leaned over to kiss me telling me to call him later and let him know where I wanted to eat at so he could make reservations, and I drove away.

Calling Jake was not a pleasant experience. I knew that he was going to be upset about the spare tire and I was right. He spent at least five minutes lecturing me about it being irresponsible to have a car for over a year and still only having a dounut for a spare. He was coming up with all kinds of scenarios that could have happened. I knew he was right but in all honesty it just wasn’t on my list of priorities.

By the time I got off the phone with Jake I was pulling into the fitness center. Working out sucked, it is not one of my favorite things to do in the first place. If that wasn’t bad enough, with every move I made the muscles in my thighs burned serving as a reminder of why I needed to be there. Then to make it worse, I had the feeling like someone was watching me. It was unnerving and I kept looking around to see who or what it was. By the end of the workout I was ready to get the hell out of there.

After taking a quick shower I started to dress in the little cubical but it’s hard to move in the small enclosed space besides that the floor was wet. Once my underwear was on, I moved out into the main part of the locker room to dry the ends of my hair and finish dressing. Sitting on the bench was the reason for my uneasiness. I had only seen her once before but there was no mistaking the tall strawberry blond, Tanya.

Fucking great…

She eyed me as I moved to plug in the hair dryer; her intent gaze on me making my anger flare.

“Do you want something?” I asked catching her gaze in the mirror.

“No. There is nothing you have that I want.” I didn’t miss the double meaning in her statement and frankly I didn’t believe her anyway. I knew damn well what I had that she wanted.

“I am surprised though, Edward doesn’t normally collar his flavor of the month.” I turned off the dryer yanking the plug out of the wall while she went on. “You do know that’s what you are right? Just something to pass his time with, I wouldn’t get too comfortable if I was you.”

I could feel the anger rising in my body.

Who the fuck does this bitch think she is?

“I thought you said you didn’t want anything I had?” I was trying to be diplomatic in my exasperation while I pulled my skirt up.

“He’s not yours for me to want. No, he can play with you and then he’ll eventually tire of your … limitations.” I didn’t know what she was talking about and frankly I wanted to smack the smirk off her face. I didn’t get to say anything because she expanded on her theory.

“I watched you freak out last night,” the smugness in her voice was infuriating, “do you seriously think Edward is going to keep you around when you can’t even take a simple caning…oh please honey do us all a favor…”

I listened as long as I could while I put all my stuff back in the bag, once my shoes were on I’d had enough. “You know Tanya, Edward dumped your lying ass two years ago, and as far as me getting comfortable, well I’ll think about that tonight while my legs are wrapped his body while he fucks me senseless in his bed. And it’s nice to know that you are so concerned about what I can or can’t take, but frankly it’s none of your fucking business. And don’t you ever call me honey again.”

Picking up my bag I went to leave and she grabbed a hold of my arm. I was glad I was wearing heels because I was closer to her height which made my stare more menacing. “Bitch if you want to keep that hand, you’d better get it the fuck off me.”

I pulled my arm from her grasp and then spun to leave; moving quickly passed another woman who was a few lockers down. I knew she had heard the exchange even though she tried to act oblivious, but I just didn’t care all I wanted to do was get out of there. By the time I got into Edward’s car I was so fucking mad I hit the steering wheel hurting the side of my hand. While I drove passed the gym, Tanya was standing in front of the building with another older woman who I didn’t know. She watched as I drove by but with the tinted windows I didn’t know if she knew it was me or not and in all honesty it didn’t matter.

By the time I got to the center both my hand and head was throbbing and the only thing I wanted to do was get some Tylenol and a bag of ice. But Carol stopped me as I walked by her office to ask how my weekend was. That reminded me of the gift cards that Garrett had given me, she seemed as pleased about that as I was.

I gave her a quick rundown of the weekend telling her a little about the cabin along with some of what we did. Then made my way back into the community room, stopping in the infirmary to get those Tylenol I so badly needed. I wasn’t aware that Carlisle was going to be there so when I came through the door and he was standing off to the side I jumped as my hand flew to my chest.

“Bella are you alright?” he chuckled at my reaction. “Did you need something?”

“Yes, I need my heart to settle down.”

“I’m sorry dear; I didn’t mean to alarm you.” Carlisle’s fatherly demeanor was coming through his tone.

“It’s alright, I wanted to get some Tylenol and I wasn’t expecting you to be in here.”

Moving to the cabinet he asked, “Do you have a headache?”

“Yes, and I hurt my hand.” I lifted it up to show him the swelling.

“Let me see it,” As he pushed on the tender part I winced. “How did you do this?” I didn’t want to tell him the whole story, so I lied, saying that I injured it during my workout. I don’t think he bought it because he raised one eyebrow drawing his finger across the red line where it had come into contact with the steering wheel.

“Bella it’s none of my business, but I would suggest you come up with a better story than that when you tell Edward.” I smiled innocently at him knowing full well if I did inform Edward it would be the truth. As I was leaving I felt like I had betrayed him in some way by lying.

“Carlisle,” he glanced at me, “I was angry and frustrated so I hit the steering wheel.” He smiled nodding once in understanding.

There was a lot of commotion going on in the community room; the sounds of talking, laughing, and children playing could be heard out in the hallway. When I walked in I took inventory of the women and my heart soared as my eyes settled on Sally. She was sitting with two of the others looking at the notebook that contained the work schedule. With the sight of her the pain in my hand was all but forgotten.

“Hey ladies, how was your weekend?” I asked the group, but my question was directed towards one in particular woman.

“Oh, it was interesting.” Dana always so outspoken answered, while Sally turned around to look at me as I approached.

“You looked surprised to see me Bella?”

Was I that obvious? I didn’t want to lie to her, but I also didn’t want her to think that I doubted her either. I choose the truth, telling that I was pleasantly surprised to see her.

“She almost left,” Dana added placing an arm around her shoulder. I wasn’t sure if Sally wanted to talk about this in front of everyone, but it appeared they were all already aware of it.

“What stopped you?” I asked taking the seat across the table from them.

“It was Joey.” I looked over at the four year old boy playing video games, then back to his mother waiting to hear the story.

“He was playing with Zachary, and he wanted the toy that Zach was playing with. Instead of asking for it or waiting his turn, he hit him.” The tears were forming in her eyes, “my son called Zach a bitch and hit him…” I could feel the tears forming in my own eyes as her tears rolled down her face. “…I don’t want my son to end up like his father, or my daughter to end up like me. I won’t do that to them.”

Tammy handed out tissues to each us, “You would have been proud of us Bella, we held an intervention and Sally decided she’s staying, for the sake of her children.” I looked to Sally her eyes met mine while she wiped her nose.

“My kids are the only thing I have Bella. They are the only thing good he ever gave me.” I smiled at the conviction in her voice.

“That’s not true girl…” I couldn’t believe Dana’s statement and I wondered why she would say that, but I should have had more faith in her. “…you have all of us, and the best thing he’s ever going to give you is a divorce!”

We all laughed and while I sat there with those women of whom I share a common bond I felt like a hypocrite. I spent countless hours trying to get them to believe in themselves, to understand that they didn’t deserve any of the indignity that was cast upon them. Yet there I sat after years of preaching, suffering from the same affliction. The fear, self loathing, shame and guilt were as real to me in that moment as it had ever been.

I didn’t know how I was going to get up enough courage to face the fear of all my uncertainties, but I knew I was going to have to. I wasn’t going to be able to continue pretending that everything was behind me very much longer. All of the things that I had pushed down were now rising to the surface threatening to burst out. The fear of that event was so powerful that I prayed to a god I didn’t believe in that I would have the strength to survive the storm.