Chapter 26

BPOV

For the life of me I could not figure out why there was so much traffic, it was almost twelve-thirty and I needed to be at Edwards in ten minutes. I had spent longer than I expected at the center; Carol needed to talk to me about yesterday and I apologized to her for being so careless and inconsiderate. Carlisle had stopped by earlier to check on Sally and said that it looked like her ankle was just a sprain, but that her ribs were badly bruised so he wanted her to rest all day.

When I checked on her she was sitting in the community room with an ice pack on her ankle and we made an appointment for tomorrow in my office to talk. I also needed to reschedule the appointment I had missed yesterday with Melissa; and before I knew it, it was after noon and I had to leave.

Edward was ready to go when I arrived, he transferred my workout bag into his car and we left immediately. As we drove he told me that I should expect Jane to be in full slave-mode. I didn’t imagine that would bother me, I knew that she was 24/7 and it was her house after all. That thought brought a question to my mind.

“Edward when we were in my room, I told Jane it was a no sub-mode zone…,” Edward chuckled at my wording while I continued, “…and I said she could speak anyway she wanted and she spoke in the first person.” He interrupted me before I could go on.

“She referred to Aro by name?” He sounded stunned, making me think hard to remember, and he was right, she only referred to him as ‘Master’ - never by his name, when I told that to Edward he explained.

“Jane referred to herself, because she assumed that would make you more comfortable in your room. However in her…. strike that… in Aro’s home, you can assume she will not be doing that.”

Aro’s home was on Mercer Island; it wasn’t far from the city, just across the bridge, and we had arrived right on time. The home sat in the middle of a circular driveway and had an old world charm to it that seemed to fit Aro very well. The wide cement steps led to a huge wooden wraparound porch with several cushioned rockers on it. House plants hung from hooks all along the perimeter and long oval braided rugs lay on the floor helping to make the space very inviting.

Jane opened the large ornately carved wooden door. She was wearing a yellow sleeveless shirtdress that ended just above knees and belted around the waist. Her dark hair was piled on her head in a twist and her gold diamond studded collar shined as brightly as her smile, which I couldn’t help but to return.

“Hello Edward, Bella welcome to Master’s home, this girl is so very glad you could come today.” She seemed to give Edward a strange look before adding, “Edward, Master is in his study; if it is alright with you, Bella and this one will be eating in the kitchen? Master has requested that the both of you be served in the dining room.”

While Jane was explaining to Edward I couldn’t help but admire the beauty of the home. The walls were painted a dark cream color with high ceilings. Large inlaid stained glass windows took up residence on very wall. The stairwell and moldings around the windows and floors were all wooden and stained a rich dark chestnut color. Everything was shined to a polish including the inlaid wooden floor. The Cullen’s house was stately in its sheer elegance; this home was equally as impressive but with a graceful allure of a time gone by.

“That will be fine Jane,” Edward’s words brought me back to the conversation, and he cupped my chin placing a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll see you in a little bit,” he said, and he walked up the stairs leaving me with Jane and a grin on my face.

“Master likes his large meal in the afternoon, is roast beef to your liking? If not, this girl has something lighter she could make you.” Jane said as took my arm leading me through the house.

“Roast beef is fine; your home is beautiful, all the woodwork and stained glass, it’s very warm and inviting.” I really was stating the obvious but I felt like it needed to be said.

“Thank you, Master will be glad that you like it.”

The kitchen was equally impressive with warm rich tones, large picturesque widows, and black granite countertops. Jane had me sit at the breakfast nook while she tossed the salad. I offered to help but she said that was the only thing that had to be done. She asked me how the rest of my week was and I sighed, making her stop what she was doing to look at me.

“Did you have another writing assignment?”

I dropped my eyes as a feeling of shame washed over me. “No, I wished that was all I had.”

She didn’t pry but I felt the need to show her, slipping off my shoe I raised my foot while she walked over to see.

“Oh Bella,” she sucked in a breath through her teeth. “Ouch, how do you feel about that?”

I looked at my foot then quickly put it back down. How did I feel, how does she think I felt?

“Ashamed, angry with myself, and hurt.”

“Hurt?” Jane questioned.

“Yes. I hurt him, I made him do this and it hurt him and that hurts me.” I could feel the tears well in my eyes and I tried to blink them away as Jane handed me a tissue and patted my hand. It wasn’t a condescending gesture it was one of comfort.

Jane sighed then went back to the salad. “This girl is very sure that Edward holds no malice towards you. Have you talked with him about it? Expressed your feelings? Not that talking negates the punishment or makes it easier, but he needs to know that you understand why the reprimand occurred.” She pulled two cover plates out of the oven placing them on a tray.

“Yes, we talked, and I know very well why I was repramanded.” That’s how I knew that I had caused Edward pain and was going to make sure that I didn’t do it again.

“Good, now if you will excuse this girl for a few minutes Master’s meal is growing cold.” I asked again if I could help and she said no, but told me that I could pour us each a glass of wine. I stood looking out the window over the sink, the back yard was filled with mature trees and beyond them you could see the lake. To the right were two more windows, one looked out over the deck and the other into an octagon covered gazebo that housed a round hot tub.

“Master has asked his slave to say hello for him,” Jane said coming through the door.

“Tell him I said hello also, and please thank him for inviting me,” I smiled.

While she pulled our plates out of the oven, I put our salads by the place settings and poured the wine before sitting to eat. The food was excellent; the beef was rare and tender, Jane had made seasoned roasted potatoes and asparagus in a butter sauce. We chatted about nothing in particular and then I remembered what I wanted to tell her.

“I met Alex.”

“You did? When?” She seemed very interested in my confession.

“Monday night, he is going to do my tattoo…tonight” I didn’t think about it until now, and I started feeling a nervous kind of excitement.

Jane must have noticed. “Don’t worry, it’s not so bad.” She talked like she had firsthand experience, her face grew solemn, “I have a tattoo.”

I looked over what part of her skin I could see and came up empty.

“Would you like to see it?”

I shrugged figuring that if it was hidden then it must be in an intimate spot. Jane stood up lifting the side of her dress to reveal her right upper thigh. There was a elaborate Roman style ‘M’ about four inches square with ‘ason’ written along the right edge of it, and on the left was the dates Dec. 16,1983 – June 18,2000

“Mason?” I asked.

Jane nodded lowering her skirt, “Our son.”

I didn’t know what to say, I never knew they had a son, of course he would have died way before I met Aro.

The words slipped from my mouth before I could stop them, “what happened?” I thought maybe there had been an accident or something; he would have been of driving age.

“Mason had leukemia,” she stated clear as day. “He was the cutest kid. He and Edward were inseparable, always together from the time they were little. There are pictures of our wedding with the two of them as duel ring bearers.”

I giggled picturing that in my mind. “Can I see that picture?”

Jane grinned nodding, “Mason was two and a half and Edward would have been four, they were so handsome in their tuxedos. This girl shall have to get the album out and show it to you.” Jane had a faraway look in her eyes.

“Master and his girl lived together before being married and Mason was born then. This girl’s mother was old school and would constantly say that God was going to punish us for having a bastard baby.”

I gasped, because what kind of a mother would say that?

“So when Mason was eight and became sick, this girl knew it was God’s punishment for her lifestyle, both before marriage and after.”

She didn’t need to explain, I knew what lifestyle she was talking about.

“But then he went into remission and we were so happy to have our son back. And he was a typical boy; ah…he and Edward were always getting into trouble, nothing bad, just boy stuff.” She added shaking her head.

“Cutting the hair off of little Alice’s Barbie’s, breaking windows with a baseball, stuff like that. Then when Mason was fifteen he got sick again. Edward was here every weekend playing video games, watching sports, and talking about girls. Edward would swear to him that he was going to be a doctor and discover something that was going to make him well. But he never got the chance. Mason tried hard to fight it, but ... well he died a few days before Edward’s eighteenth birthday.”

“I’m so sorry Jane,” I said squeezing her hand.

“Thank you Bella,” she said patting my hand. “Edward took it very hard, we watched the life drain out of him, and even though he went to school, and he did very well…,” she let out a long sigh, “…his heart just wasn’t in it.”

I thought about that, and what he had said before about being afraid, and not being able to help all the children so he was too scared to try and help any of them. I wondered what he was afraid of and I wondered how I could bring the subject up? My thoughts were disrupted by Jane’s statement.

“Do you remember the other day when this girl said that Edward could never hate you?”

I nodded.

“Bella that man looks at you like you are his hope for the future. There has not been hope in his eyes in so long, that it brings such joy to see.” Jane stood moving to pour the pot of coffee into the carafe.

“Would you like some apple cobbler?” She asked spooning some into two bowls and placing them on the tray.

“I don’t think I am allowed to have it.”

“Help yourself to coffee and this one shall ask for you.”

I shrugged knowing it was a lost cause. A minute later Jane came through the door as I was adding cream to my coffee.

“Edward says ‘no, you may have fresh fruit or sherbet,’ both of which are available.”

I rolled my eyes and Jane saw my response, “he was rather adamant about it. What did you do?”

I took the journal out of my purse and showed her all of the red marks.

“Oh Bella, you must take better care of yourself. Your nutrition is so important, you need it for your strength and your heath otherwise you could get sick.”

I was getting another lecture but I didn’t mind it because she meant well, and on a deeper level I knew she was right.

“Ok, enough of being a mother hen, let’s see what we can do here,” Jane scrutinized my entries. “Let’s kill two birds with one stone.”

Our stone throwing consisted of bowls of fresh berries with fat free cream on top. While we ate Jane glanced over some of my entries, not really reading them, just scanning to see what topics I had written on.

She stopped on the communication essay. “This one here, this was a punishment?”

I nodded taking a sip of coffee, “I was naughty.”

She sighed, “not naughty, this one doesn’t like the word naughty. That implies that you consciously disobeyed, is that what happened?”

“No, I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“That’s right Bella, so you were not naughty, you were inattentive. This life requires your constant attention, that doesn’t mean that you are not going to fall short. This one has been serving her Master for over twenty years, and is sad to say that even she still receives correction. The only advice that this one can give is, as soon as you are aware of your short coming you confess it. Don’t wait.” She stressed that part.

“Call your Master immediately with the tiniest of infractions. You will learn quicker and feel better about your service to him. Case in point, you knew that your eating was not as directed. Had that first day you counted up and seen what had occurred you should have called him and confessed. The next day you would have been more attentive to what you were doing. It would not have gotten that out of hand and your punishment would not have been as severe, and possibly there might not have been any at all.” She let that settle into my brain then continued.

“Better yet, if you would have been more attentive you would have seen that you were short and perhaps had a piece of toast with some peanut butter or cheese on it and met your requirements. It’s all in the details, repetition, and self discipline. Get into the habit of checking yourself several times throughout the day if need be.”

I nodded in understanding, “I’ll pay more attention and monitor myself better.”

“Good,” Jane pursed her lips, I knew she had more to say, “…and your sleeping?”

“I have trouble sleeping, sometime I have nightmares. It’s been better lately though,” I admitted sheepishly.

“Bella, this one cannot imagine what you have lived through or the devastation that has brought upon your life. However, your Master is very aware of that and can understand to a degree, you must get your proper rest for your own sake, if not his.”

I glared at Jane, that was an easy statement for her to make.

She sighed at my irritation, “alright, work upon your eating, and sleep as best you can, you said it is getting easier?”

“Yes, I sleep better when Edward is with me. He makes me feel… sheltered.” I felt self-conscious to be saying that out loud. It was like I had just admitted my overwhelming need for him, like I couldn’t even sleep without his presence. But it was the truth and even with him there my subconscious still terrorized me in my dreams.

“Bella it sounds to this one like you are depending upon your Master.”

“I am, and that scares me.” I admitted in defeat. I could see the question raging in her eyes I didn’t give her a chance to pose it. “Jane I never depended on anyone in my life. Anytime I did, it was a complete disappointment. So I just learned to do everything on my own. I hate the fact that I am so weak to need Edward so much.”

“Bella there is no such things as needing your Master too much. Let’s make that clear right now.” Jane’s voice turned demanding, “he wants to be needed, it brings him satisfaction to meet your needs and see that you are properly taken care of. There is also no such thing as a weak submissive. It takes a lot of strength, courage, and confidence to give yourself over so completely to someone else. It is not an easy thing to do, and those that try because they think it is an effortless life find out very soon that it is not. That usually happens with the first punishment.”

I wasn’t sure I understood what she was saying, “the first punishment?”

“Oh yes Bella, those that think it is easy will walk away before they allow themselves to be subjected to any kind of correction. They are head strong and fail to see the growth that comes with being reprimanded.” Jane pursed her lips as she watched me take in that last statement.

“How can one explain this that it makes sense? Ummm…you teach psychology so you understand that a child is taught, develops through that teaching, experiments to see how it works, looks for the reaction either good or bad, readjusts their behavior accordingly to mature and then is taught again.” I understood what Jane was saying, but I didn’t see where it fit in with our discussion.

“Don’t you see Bella? You are like a child in this lifestyle and you are looking to your Master to show you the right way. He does that through the process of giving rewards and dispensing penalties. Those that think this life is easy only want the rewards and the playtime. They have no intentions of growing or changing, so when that first real punishment comes and they have to think about something other than what they want, they are gone.” Jane gave me a moment, and then she continued.

“Look at your foot…”

She didn’t actually mean that I should look, but I did, and every time I thought about it I had a sick feeling in my stomach.

“I don’t know what you did but…”

I interrupted her, “I turned off my phone.”

Jane started to giggle.

“It’s not funny!” My words seemed to somewhat put an end to the humor she saw.

“This one is sorry for laughing, you are right it is not funny. It’s just, had this one turned off her phone without giving Master notice, she would not be able to sit for a very long time.” She spoke with a grin on her face, so I knew she still found my predicament humorous.

“Edward said he would never strike me as a punishment but I think I would have rather had a spanking.” I whispered the words feeling my face blush, because I found I rather liked spankings.

Jane giggled at my reaction. “Ah, dear girl,” she leaned in real close, “there are different kinds of spankings - those you enjoy…,” she said with a grin, “…and those you do not.” She added the last part shaking her head and gazing in my eyes, “believe this one when she says, you would not have enjoyed that spanking.”

I knew she was right, but that fact didn’t make my punishments any easier.

“That’s what this one was saying. When the first real punishment comes, those that think it is easy cannot humble themselves to admit they were wrong and accept the correction and learn from their mistakes. As a submissive that is what we do, humble ourselves…,” she said lowering her left hand while raising her right hand she added, “…while honoring our Master. It is sometimes a very difficult line to walk and only the very strong can do it.”

Jane was quiet letting me think about the words she said then she added, “Don’t you ever think of yourself as weak. Bella you are in a committed relationship that requires your total commitment, and you have no idea what you are doing, so of course you are going to depend on Edward. That happens with submissive’s and the deeper the commitment the deeper the dependency.”

“You mean it’s going to get worse?” I was almost horrified at the thought. Jane burst out laughing whether at my statement or my expression I’m not sure which, and I couldn’t help but to laugh along with her. The door to the kitchen sung open and Aro walked in.

“One would think you are having a giggle fest rather than a mentoring session.”

Jane immediately stood walking over to Aro with her head bowed low standing to his left with her hands clasped behind her back. Aro did not acknowledge her; instead he spoke to me, “how are you Isabella?”

I smiled, “I’m very well Sir, and thank you for inviting me to your home it’s very lovely.”

“You are more than welcome my dear.” His attention turn towards Jane, I could see the love and joy radiate in his eyes. “Jane, it is getting late and we will have to leave soon.” Jane’s head was still down and she stood so still it was hard to believe she was even breathing.

“Yes Master, may your slave have five more minutes?”

“Five, but that is all.”

“Thank you Master.” Jane remained in the same position until Aro was gone from the room.

The whole exchange lasted no longer than a minute, but in that time frame I saw what she was saying. For the last two hours I had been sitting here talking with a strong, intelligent, and spirited woman, who like anyone else has had to deal with suffering and disappointments. But in serving her Master she finds complete fullness; and one could not miss the admiration that Aro held in his eyes for her.

Jane moved back over to me clearing the coffee cups away. “Bella, may this girl write something in your journal?”

“Sure,” I didn’t know what she was going to do, and I hoped she didn’t want to give me a writing assignment. I knew I wouldn’t have to do it, but something told me that Edward would probably make me.

When she was done writing Jane looked in my eyes. “Very quickly and then this girl must be done, she’s afraid that once she begins talking she can go on and on. In answer to your question, yes, the dependency on both sides grows. It doesn’t,” she grinned, “it doesn’t get worse, because worse indicates something bad. It grows and strengthens your relationship by binding the submissive and dominate together, which is something to strive for.” She let me think about that then finished her thought. “Bella this is not all one sided where the submissive gives and the dominate takes. It works both ways; the trust, the respect, the obedience…” I cut her off with my outburst.

“Obedience?”

“Oh yes Bella, that is not all one sided either. The dominate needs to be obedient to the submissive’s limits. To not push more then she is physically or emotionally capable of doing and then stopping before crossing that line. They also are constantly aware of their submissive’s needs; and sometimes the dominant must forsake their own desires to see that those needs are met. That is being obedient.”

I hadn’t thought of it like that, but she was right and as I considered more of what we talked about I began to see that this relationship was like a see-saw. We balanced each other, for everything that I gave to him - he gives back to me, and vise versa. I was in the middle of my mini-epiphany when the ding sounded from the stove.

“This girl’s time is up.”

“Self-discipline?” I asked her, pointing to the stove.

Jane smiled, “exactly.”

“One more thing, please feel free to contact this girl at anytime. She would be most happy to speak with you again.”

We hugged as I thanked her, it was nice to have someone to talk to and it should have seemed weird that she was Edward’s aunt, but it didn’t. It was like talking to an older sister and there was nothing in our exchange that was of an intimate nature, and for that I was thankful.

“Come, Master has been most patient with his slave this afternoon.”

Aro and Edward were standing in the living room talking in a hushed voice. Jane presented herself as she had in the kitchen and not three seconds later a beep sounded from Aro.

“Right on time, my dear one.”

I tried to catch Jane’s eye, but she was steadfast in her stance and then it dawned on me, she had set the timer in the kitchen for at least thirty seconds before she was expected. Her words of advice came to me: ‘pay attention and self discipline.’

We said our good-byes, and as Edward held the car door open for me, I looked into his eyes cupping his cheek with the palm of my hand. “I love you.” I wanted to tell him again I was sorry, but his arm wrapped around my back pulling me closer to his body.

“I love you,” Edward spoke the words against my lips and the next thing I knew we were wrapped up in a passionate kiss. His arm held me securely against his body and I could feel the warm rush of desire run through me. My hands went to the back of his neck with my fingers threading through his hair and I moaned into his mouth.

He pulled back placing one more small kiss on my lips before resting his forehead against mine. “Ah, my Bella, what are you doing to me?”

I could see the desire reflected back through his dark eyes. “The same thing you’re doing to me.”

Edward sighed, “yes well, this is neither the time nor the place.”

He was right; after all we were standing in the middle of his uncle’s driveway. Reluctantly I got into the car and Edward shut the door.

It wasn’t until we were driving that I realized how late it was. Leah had texted me early this morning, upset she couldn’t get a hold of me yesterday, and said she wouldn’t be going to yoga today; it was almost three-thirty and I wasn’t going to make it either.

“Edward, I missed my class.”

“I know, but I thought it was more important that you had time to talk with Jane.”

I started telling him some of what we had talked about remembering that she had written in my journal. It was a quote from someone I had never heard of. Once I read it to myself, I recited it for Edward:

Discipline gives total freedom; it allows you to go beyond your limitations, to break through boundaries and reach the highest goal. The path to discipline will not only save a person's life, it will also give it meaning. How? By introducing him to deeper joys and deeper longings, by creating a silence in which the whisper of the heart can be heard. Truly, discipline is the road to liberation." ---Gurumayi Chidvilasananda

Edward had heard of the Gurumayi person, telling me that he was a she and was a Siddha Guru. She teaches that understanding of celestial awareness is achievable in the human. Basically, that God resides within ourselves we just need to be open to the experience.

“Do you believe that?” I gazed at him in wonder. We had not talked about philosophical things yet and I wasn’t sure what he believed in.

“To a degree I do. I believe that we are infinitly made in the image of God and because of that we are capable of understanding him. I don’t particularly buy into the whole god is with us theory.”

“I don’t know if I believe in God, at least not in that sense.” Edward glanced at me so I went on. “I believe that this world had a creator, because I can’t believe that this all happened by accident. But I don’t believe that he or she has any day-to-day dealings with our lives. How could an all powerful God allow such misery to happen? Abuse of the most innocent, sickness and death of children?” I shook my head, “I just don’t believe it.”

Edward sighed, “I don’t have the answers for you baby, and perhaps my thoughts stem from years of being forced to go to Sunday School.”

I giggled, “Your mother forced you to go to Sunday school?”

“She sure did. It was her life’s ambition to make me a respectable young man,” he said with a grin as we pulled into his driveway.

“Well she did a fine job.” I grinned at him, he smirked and winked.

“Edward why are we here?”

He didn’t answer me right away; instead he came around to open my car door. “You need to change into something that will be easier for Alex to work with, and that is softer on your skin for the ride home.”

Oh. I didn’t think about what I was going to wear, or rather what I wasn’t going to be wearing. “Edward, I’m going to have to sit there with my ass hanging out.” The tone of my voice increased with every word as that realization hit me.

My outburst seemed to amuse him because he chuckled while he opened the door to the house. “Think of it as your first act of exhibitionism.”

What? In front of Alex? No way. I turned to look at him as he shut the door.

“Ummm…I would rather think of it as a doctor’s appointment.”

Edward smirked, running his finger up my cheek catching my hair to move it to the back of my head where he threaded his fingers through it to tilt my face up. I could feel my breath hitch as my stomach muscles clinched. There was a hunger in his eyes and at that moment I wanted nothing more than to feed it.

His mouth moved slowly towards mine, his lips were warm and he used just enough force so that I parted mine. When our tongues met I could feel my heart race as the need to be close to him took over. My hands moved to grasp ahold of his forarms, and I pulled him closer wrapping my thigh around his leg trying desperately to gain some friction. I could feel his very hard dick pressing against my hip and I sighed out a moan in his mouth.

Edward pulled back running his lips along my jaw, and his hands down my back to cup my bottom. In one swift move he hitched me up and my thighs wrapped around his hips as he started to walk placing me on the back of the couch. He captured my ear lobe between his teeth and his breath in my ear sent shivers through my body. My hand moved down to cup his erection making him thrust into my hand and groan out my name.

“Belllaa,” the sound of it in my ear sent my body into over drive. I slithered off my perch, in between Edward and the back of the couch, to my knees and wasted no time to free his dick of its confinement. My tongue swirled around his engorged head making him hiss while his fingers threaded through my hair. I sucked him in deep to the back of my throat.

“Ohhhh…Fuck, Bella…” His words were like a cry of need spurring me on. Moving my head back my tongue lapped the underside of his shaft, swirling around the head before once again plunging him in my mouth as deep as I could. “Ahhh…baby.”

I created a strong suction, pressing my tongue firmly against the vein pulling my head back and once again quickly sheathing him around my lips. “Jesus Fucking Christ!”

I think he had enough of my teasing because his fingers gripped my hair firmer, just to the point of pain and I moaned as he started moving in and out of my mouth. The feeling of power surged through me at the knowledge that I could get him so worked up that his need would take control. There was nothing gentle or loving about it, there was only pure primal lust, both his and mine.

My hand gently squeezed his balls and as I moaned around him; he let out a long heavy sigh. I could feel his dick grow impossibly harder and he growled out, “Enough…” withdrawing from my mouth and coming on the side of my face and neck. My hand automatically came up to wipe away his cum, bringing it to my lips. “Don’t you dare put that in your mouth!”

His stern words made me stop, and as I knelt there trying to catch my breath my head lowered in shame knowing the reason for his rebuke. I didn’t cry, there was no reason to, I understood what I had done wrong and I knew I would try very hard to not do it again. I also realized that once he was satisfied with my eating habits, I would once again be rewarded with bringing him to full satisfaction in my mouth.

Edward backed away from me, and for a moment I thought maybe he was moving away because he was disgusted with me, but he was back immediately pulling me to my feet and handing me tissues to clean myself off. He wrapped me in his arms letting me snuggle against his chest and I sighed in contentment.

Edward tilted my chin making me look in his eyes; there was no loathing or condemnation in his expression. There was only approval and maybe a little regret in the half smile he gave me, and when he kissed me all I felt was his love for me.

“Do you want a quick shower? I’ll take care of Seth.” Oh yeah, I forgot about him.

“We should have taken him home.” I was surprised Edward hadn’t done that earlier.

“I’d rather not; besides, I thought maybe you might want to stay here tonight so I can take better care of you?”

I agreed with him, and as I walked into my room Jane’s words came back to me, ‘It brings him satisfaction to meet your needs and see that you are properly taken care of.’ I guess I was really going to have to learn to live with that. In all actuality it didn’t sound so bad; it’s just hard giving up a lifetime of self sufficiency. Besides I wasn’t kidding when I told Jane that anytime I depended on someone it turned out to be a disaster.

My mother died, my grandparents said that every time they looked at me they saw my mother and it hurt them, so they withdrew from me. My father was set in his ways and my arrival didn’t change them, besides Charlie was never a touchy-feely kind of dad. Jake was there for a long time, but him and Leah had their own lives and I was just an extra worry for them. Then there was James, and the only thing I could depend on from him was his leaving me alone a few nights a week so he could go fuck Vickie, and then he would come home angry because I was there.

So could anyone blame me for being hesitant?

Anytime I thought I had someone who I could depend on, or I was supposed to be able to depend on, they either left me, was distant, or worse. It didn’t matter the circumstances because the outcome was always the same; I was left to pick up the pieces by myself. Now I am expected to depend wholeheartedly on Edward and God I want to. But if this ends badly, I don’t know how I will be able to once again piece myself together.

The reflection in the bathroom mirror had no answer for me. For now, I was going to try and rely on Edward; after all, if Jane was right – which I had no doubt she was – everything I gave, he will give back. Besides what choice did I have? Our lives were already entwined and there was no going back, believe it or not that realization gave me comfort. I undressed gathered my hair up and stepped into the shower, letting the warm water wash away all the trepidation, uncertainty, and hopefully some of the horrid black ink off my foot.