Chapter 22

BPOV

I don’t know what I was expecting.

Edward was so serious. I had an uneasy feeling in my stomach as I started to read what he was talking about. Looking away from the screen I noticed Edward had a look of concern on his face.

“Holy Hell Edward!” I bellowed and then burst out laughing, “What is the matter with these people?” The look on his face turned from concern, to perplexed, and then finally amusement.

“You’re not angry or upset?” He sounded relieved and I just shrugged.

“Well, I would prefer if they not talk about me-or us, but come on, look at what they are writing,” I laughed pointing at the screen. “Are they insane? I didn’t even know that Aro had a harem or that you had a proclivity for men.”

“What?”

Oh, he must not have seen those comments. I moved the screen to show him what I was talking about.

“Look, bigirl35 says: ‘Who does E think he is fooling? There comes a time when you have to come clean with what you are, and stop chasing after something that is expected of you, and go after what you need.’ I don’t know how you take that, but I think she is insinuating that you’re in the closet.”

He got a bewildered expression on his face, making me chuckle.

“Ok, 4884grl replied: ‘What kind of woman - if that is what it is – lets herself be used as a guinea pig, knowing she will just be discarded like the plastic that it’s fake boobs are made of?’ So not only do I have fake boobs but I’m also a man, or I was a man.” I laughed because this whole thing was just absurd.

I pulled the top of my shirt open so I could look down at my chest. “Do I look like a man with fake boobs? Because honestly, if I was going to have fake boobs I think they would be a whole lot bigger.”

Edward was shaking his head with a huge grin on his face. “Baby, you don’t look like any man I ever saw; you, my pet, are the epitome of enchanting femininity.” Edward moved off his chair coming to a squatting position between my legs.

“Enchanting?” I asked for clarification, running my fingers through his soft silky hair.

“Yup, enchanting, you used all of your charms and completely mesmerized me.”

I couldn’t help myself; he was right in front of me. I closed those few inches and my hands dropped to behind his neck and I kissed him.

His lips were soft and warm; my tongue ran over his bottom lip and he opened to allow me entrance. Our mouths melted against each other and I was brought out of the heated moment by the sound of the soft moan that escaped my throat. When Edward pulled back, his hands cupped my breasts.

“Your breasts are perfect just the way they are, soft, full, and entirely delectable.” His lips moved down my throat and over my shirt placing a kiss at the top of my cleavage.

“I mesmerized you, huh?” Using my hands I pushed on Edwards’s chest making his back lean against the edge of the coffee table with me straddling his thighs.

“Yes ma’am, you sat there looking all cute and innocent and I didn’t have a chance in the world of getting away from you, and I just knew you were going to be mine.” Edward’s hands stroked the length of my back while I placed my hands flat on his chest to brace myself.

“How did you know?”

He quirked a smile at me before placing a kiss on my nose. “Because I knew that there was no way in hell I was going to let somebody else get their hands on you. Fuck Bella, I didn’t even want anyone to look at you, let alone talk with you, until I knew that you were mine. I wasn’t taking any chances, I had to move fast.”

I listened to what he said and then a thought occured to me. “You know what I think?”

He raised his eyebrows, “no I don’t, but I would love to hear it.”

“I think you are wrong…” Edward raised his eyebrows in disbelief, but I went on to explain before he could interrupt my train of thought, “ …about us needing to go to the club more often just to let people see us. I think we should go as you have already planned, but not any extra times just to appease your adoring public.”

Edward got that perplexed look on his face again.

“Think about it. All anyone really knows is that I showed up one night with Aro’s card. You yourself were kind of intrigued about how I knew him.”

Edward nodded, “you’re right I was. Aro doesn’t give them out.”

I went on with my theory while Edward’s hands moved down to rub my bottom. “Then the next thing anyone knows is that sometime within the next week you and I got together, and then when they see us I’m sporting your collar around my neck. Now, in order to justify why that happened they come up with all sorts of circumstances that would explain it. Which is alright, but then like an arrogant child who is looking for attention from their daddy, they start spouting it to others, knowing it’s going to get back to you.”
“Is that the psychologist talking? Because let me get this straight-- they…” he pointed to my computer “… are the arrogant child and I am the daddy, and they are doing this to get a rise out of me?”

I nodded.

“And it’s working.” Edward narrowed his eyes at me; he didn’t like that very much. “Bella, I understand what you are saying, however I don’t like that our relationship is being speculated about. It’s truly no one’s business. Even if all that stuff…” Edward pointed to my computer screen, “…was true, and you were a man with fake boobs.” I gasped smacking his chest with the back of my hand while he chuckled.

“Bella, no one has any right to say anything about it. They need to keep their mouth shut.”

I listened to what he said, sighing as I watched my fingers tips draw patterns against his chest. “Edward did you see that just about all of the comments were from women?” I looked in his eyes; he gave me a curt nod in acknowledgement. “I hate to be condescending against my own sex, but women can be manipulating bitches and Rose was right when she said that my collar was going to piss them off. She said that they…” I made air quotes around the word, “…would say or do anything to get to you, and that I just shouldn’t listen to them. That’s what I think we should do.”

He moved his head back to get a better look at me. “What should we do?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Don’t change any of your plans in order to make an appearance in the club to pacify or squelch the rumors. Edward, you are a man and your natural inclination is to try and fix things; sometimes it’s better to just let things go. It’s like a glass teetering on the end of a table. Sometimes when you go to grab it you can save it, other times you knock it over and it shatters making a bigger mess.” Edward was quiet and I gave him a few seconds to absorb what I had just said before finishing my thoughts.

“You were right Edward; this is strictly between us and no one else. But if you allow them to change your plans then they become part of us and that is what they wanted all along, not the us part but the you part. They want to be a part of you. Do you understand what I’m saying?” I smiled at his bewildered face because I can’t even remember all the countless times he had asked me that very thing.

“So, what you’re saying is that we shouldn’t make any adjustments to our schedule?”

“Right. If we have plans to go away, or if our…usual doesn’t warrant time to go to the club, then changing that will only serve to give them influence over our relationship, and give them the power over us. Eventually, that will begin to become a burden on us, and just like that glass our relationship will teeter and when it falls it will shatter. So I say we turn off the computer, let them say or think anything they want. Never change your plans to accommodate their bad behavior and we can just be us with no outside pressure.”

Edward gazed in my eyes for what seemed like an eternity before he finally spoke, “how did you get to be so smart?”

“I went to Dartmouth.” He chuckled at my smug response.

“I went to Dartmouth too.” He announced pushing on my back so my chest lay against his.

“I know; that’s why you’re so smart.” I said kissing his jaw.

He answered with a swat on my bottom, “alright my Bella, let’s get off this floor”

I stood, offering him my hand so he could get up. We had decided to watch a movie, so while he picked one out, I made a bag of popcorn, grabbing us each a beer from the fridge. When I returned Edward was moving through the previews, I set the stuff on the table and went in to change opting for a tank top and shorts.

I settled in beside him, nestled against the side of his body with the bag of popcorn on my lap. Seth placed himself on the floor next to Edward’s feet, watching and gobbling up any stray kernel that happen to fall his way. Edward had chosen to watch Pulp Fiction. I know it’s not a typical girly movie, but it was one of my favorites and I truly found it (at times) to be hilarious. It must have been one of Edward’s favorites too, because we took turns speaking out the dialog.

“You never told me how your shopping trip went.”

We had been quiet when he asked me, and I was shocked that he cared. I lived with a man most of my life and Charlie was never interested in our shopping trips, and with James shopping very rarely ever happened. He was always concerned about money and how much I spent, although there always seemed to be enough money for the things he wanted. I pushed all thoughts of James out of my head.

“It went great. Your mom said she and your dad had a wonderful night and the show they saw was superb. Alice wanted me to buy Jimmy Choos, but I’m sorry I am not paying five hundred dollars for something I wear on my feet. I bought a few things for myself, but most of the afternoon we spent in children’s and maternity stores. Rose bought some clothes, I got a bunch of outfits for Leah, Alice bought stuff for the kids, and then we came home.”

In those stores was where we seemed to all be on the same page. Rose was looking at furniture, seeing what she liked and asking about delivery times; which I thought was premature since her baby wouldn’t be here for another six months, but I guess these things are nice to know. The sales clerk had her try on the six month baby bump to see how one of the dresses would look on her. When she came out of the dressing room she stood in the three-way mirror and cried, apologizing for being so emotional and blaming it on her hormones. But the look in her eyes was pure bliss.


“How was your afternoon?” I asked him. I didn’t know what he did at the club and it didn’t sound like I was going to find out tonight either since Edward just shrugged. I shifted my body and I lay down with my head on his lap, looking up at him while he spoke.

“It was fine, but that reminds me Aro said that Jane will call you Thursday morning; she would like you to come to their home for lunch.” His hands ran through my hair, splaying it out away from my face.

“Yeah, she told me that. I have my doctor’s appointment that morning, so I told her to call me early.”

“Your GYN? Did you decide what you are going to do?”

I had discussed this with my doctor several times; there was no doubt in my mind.

“I’m going to get the shot; it last three months, I don’t have to remember to take it, and it’s effective twenty-four hours later.” I thought that would make him happy, but his face looked puzzled.

My hand went up to smooth the stress lines off his face that were beginning to appear. “What’s the matter, isn’t that a good choice?”

He did go to Med School, and I starting to get concerned since he looked almost pained. I sat up twisting my body so I was facing him. “Edward, I’ve discussed this with Dr. Gaye several times and she thinks it’s the best option for me.” I could hear the tension in my voice.

“What? No, I’m sure that’s fine. But Bella, can you even get pregnant?”

I sat there staring at him, feeling a sickness in the pit of my stomach like I’d been punched, and in a sense I had.

“Why would you ask that?” I could feel my eyes tear up and as he looked at me Edward’s eyes were remorseful.

“I’m sorry Bella; Jacob said that you might not be able to have children. I was just wondering if that were true, why the need for birth control?”

I straightened up abruptly, my defensive nature was coming out loud and clear. “Jacob should mind his own business!” I spit with venom in my voice as I stood walking to the door. I was going to have words with Jacob Black; it wasn’t up to him to tell the man I loved that I might never be able to bare his children. This was just another reason why Edward wouldn’t want me.

“Hey,” Edward grabbed my arm before I could make it through the door, my body swung to face him. He was so perfect and I was so defective.

“He just mentioned it in passing, Bella. Saying something along the lines of because of what your husband did, you may never be able to have children. He wasn’t being malicious.” I nodded biting my lip trying to keep the tears at bay.

Edwards hand was on my chin, forcing me to look at him.

“No secretes Isabella.” He said, wiping the tear off my cheek.

I spoke quietly; I couldn’t meet his gaze so my eyes looked over his shoulder. “I can get pregnant. I will have a very hard time carrying to full term, if I can do it at all. James left me...,” the tears were slowly falling over my cheeks; there was no way I could tell him how I was left. It made me feel inhuman and disgusting. I couldn’t imagine what he would think of me. I blinked my eyes clear setting my mind on what to tell him, deciding on just answering his question and telling him my medical prognosis.

“…I had such a bad infection that my uterus was damaged from all the scar tissue. It’s just one more thing that is damaged on me Edward.” I pulled my arm out of his grip and headed to my bedroom. I didn’t want to see the pity on his face, or worse the distaste from knowing that as a woman I wasn’t complete. Not that I really want children, at least not at this moment, but knowing that the possibility has been taken away from me hurts.

I didn’t hear Edward come into the room; I just felt his arms around me, pulling my back against his chest while a feeling of security washed over me. Once again I found myself trying to shove this memory into my brain, so that when he realized that I just wasn’t worth it, I would have something to hold on to.

“I’m sorry Baby; I didn’t mean to upset you. Damn, you have been through so much emotional turmoil the last few days. I just wanted tonight to be calm for you so that you could get some proper rest.” Edward spun me around cupping my cheeks with his hands. I sniffled as he wiped the tears away with the pads of his thumbs.

“How about you go take a hot shower and I’ll make you some warm milk?” I nodded in agreement, not able to trust my voice. Edward smiled sadly at me then placed a soft kiss on my lips.

I stood in the water letting the heat wash over me. I didn’t want to think about that night, here in my own home.

Winter break was over, and classes were scheduled to start in two days. I had spent all of Christmas and New Years in Forks. It was a nice visit and I had only seen James twice in the two weeks I was there. The first was on Main Street. I was getting into my car and he drove by, watching me from the corner of his eye.

The second time was more up close and personal. I was with Sue in the grocery store and she had gotten the wrong milk, so I ran back to exchange it. When I came around the corner, there he was. His blond hair splayed out over is shoulders and his blue eyes piercing into me. I didn’t say anything. I tried to walk around him, but he stepped in front of me.

“You slumming it in Forks, Bella?”

I turned to walk the other way, but he grabbed my arm. “James let me go, you’re hurting me.”

“You’re still my wife Bella, don’t forget that.” He released the grip he had on me, so I pulled my arm free.

“Only because you won’t sign the papers!” I hissed as I quickly walked by him rubbing my arm where he had squeezed it.

I was glad to be back in my own home. I truly loved everyone in Forks, but I felt free and safer here--away from there. My Master’s was going really well; I had begun my thesis, having made contact with Aro the previous year, and his background and expertise was beyond helpful. I had come home from grocery shopping and I didn’t close the back door because I had to go and get the other two bags. The door slammed startling me and when I turned around James was standing there.

Fear and dread washed over me instantly.

“Hello Bella.” His voice was cold.

I told him to leave, but he just shook his head. “I told you, I’m still your husband Bella. I’m not going anywhere.”

I tried to run into the other room, but he caught me. The last thing I remember was a sharp pain on the back of my head and everything went black.

When I started to come around I tried to get up but I was incapable of the smallest amount of movement. As my senses came back, I realized I was lying on the kitchen table, and I was tied to the four legs. I tried to scream for help, but something was in my mouth. Panic over took me and I had a hard time breathing. I must have passed out, because the next thing I remember was James slapping my face.

“I told you to listen to me. I told you not to waste money on going to Dartmouth, but NO! You just wouldn’t listen, and now look at you all high and mighty spending more of mommy’s money getting a Masters. For what? Just so you can think you’re better than me? You think because you can leave Forks, and buy your own house that you can just forget about me? You think you can do whatever you want, don’t you? Like I have no say about anything - Well guess what Bitch?!” The slap to my face rattled my jaw, and the punch to my stomach made me gag on my own vomit. “You aint shit! You aren’t good enough to lick my ass.”

I heard a chair moving and he settled between my legs. “Your pussy was always so tight, how many cocks have you had in there lately, Bella?” I could feel his breath against my sex and I tried to pull away, but there was no slack. He held up a pair of tweezers and I cringed.

“Do you remember these? Sure you do. How could you forget?” His fingers spread my lower lips and he started plucking the hairs out one by one.

“You really let this go Bella. Such a skanky, rebellious Bitch! You don’t appreciate anything I did for you.”

As was the ritual for every dozen hairs he plucked he would slap my thighs with his belt, making me scream through the gag. When he was finally done he went about with the beating - from my breasts to my thighs. I peed all over the table and onto the floor, and I think I passed out again because the next thing I knew my head was being slammed into the table.

“I want to know how many cocks were in you!” I shook my head, trying to tell him none. He looked at me. “I don’t fucking believe a whore like you!”

He entered me hard and brutal, and as he always did he pinched the flesh of my thighs and stomach. Before he was done, he lifted up my butt and entered my rear opening, pinching the soft flesh of my sex. It hurt so badly and my throat burned from all the unheard screaming I was doing. When he was finally done he slapped my face twice.

“You would think that with all those cocks, you would at least get wet!”

James had a speculum and was shoving it inside my vagina. He had something in a baggie and I didn’t know what it was at first.

“I took enough shit from you, now you’re going to take mine!” He had an evil look on his face, and he began to open up the speculum, it burned so badly. He put on a rubber glove and got the olive oil out. I knew what he was going to do; he had done it many times before. He shoved his hand inside me and I screamed through the gag. Then he started pulling out hunks of what smelled like shit from the bag and started filling me with it. When he was done he pulled out the speculum, wiped his hands all over my body, and slapped my face. The smell was putrid and I had to swallow back more vomit.

“Who’s the piece of shit now?! Fucking Bitch!”

He washed his hands, changed his clothes, and left me there for I don’t know how long.

When I heard the back door open I thought he had come back, but it was Jake. Leah was behind him crying.

The next thing I knew I was in the hospital. I was severely dehydrated, had a concussion, bruises over ninety percent of my torso, and a massive urinary and vaginal infection. It seems that James had perforated my uterus with the speculum and then he had left me there all the next day before calling Leah to gloat.

I spent a week in the hospital recovering. When I finally went home, my kitchen had been completely remodeled, and the table had been replaced with the one I have now. There was also a state of the art security system installed. James had been arrested, but I dropped the charges because Jake had gone after him and was facing assault charges. The only good thing that came out of it was that James had signed the divorce papers and they were in my lawyer’s hands.

The events of that night flooded back to me in a matter of minutes as I stood in my shower, the tears came with it along with the anger that I often felt. I punched the tiled wall.

“Fuck!”

I grabbed my hand and crumbled to the floor pulling my legs up against my chest and sobbed, my tears mixing with the water from the shower. I didn’t want Edward to find me like this--a crumpled mess. I had survived and that was all that mattered, at least that is what I kept telling myself. But I’m beginning to wonder if surviving is worth the nightmares, the lack of trust, and the constant fear? I just wanted someone to love me, and I wanted that person to be Edward.

Because there was no denying it anymore, I loved him.

I heard the soft knock, but was unable to move before Edward opened the shower door seeing me there.

“Fuck…Bella.” I could hear the concern in his voice but I couldn’t look at him, I just kept staring at my feet. He reached to turn off the water and was immediately kneeling next to me.

“Baby, come here.” Edward swathed me in a towel before lifting me into his arms and carrying me to the bed.

“I’m…I’m sorry.” I stuttered out against his shoulder.

“What are you sorry for? I’m the one who is sorry; I didn’t mean to make you so upset.”

I had to get myself together because he had to know that it wasn’t his fault. “Not your fault... it’s the memories, they hurt and make me feel soiled and unworthy”

“Isabella,” his hand ran through my wet knotted hair. “My Bella, so beautiful. Don’t you know that no matter what that animal did to you… or made you do, none of it was your fault and none of it matters to me? Memories are just that Bella, in the past. The only influence they have on the present or the future is what we allow them to have. Baby, you have taken a horrific past that would have killed a weaker person and have done nothing but good with it. It would be so easy for you to hide and play the victim, and no one would blame you for that. But you don’t, you rise up above the victimization and bring good to society in the work you do in the center. I am in awe of the strength you have. Baby, I don’t know why God let you go through all that hell, but it’s brought you to a place where you are now able to be helping others.”

He leaned down kissing my cheek. “And even more important than that, it’s brought you to me.”

I sniffled laying my head on his shoulder and just had to ask, “and is that a good thing?”

He hooked his finger under my chin making me look in his eyes. “That, my dearest one, is a very good thing. Baby, these last two weeks with you have shown me all that was missing in my life.”

I tore my eyes from his gaze because I didn’t want him to see the longing in my eyes. “I’m so afraid Edward. I know that when you hear what James did to me, you’ll find me repulsive and never want to touch me again.”

“I highly doubt that Isabella. I can’t think of anything that would make me feel that way.”

I didn’t say anything because it was easy for him to say that now, when he didn’t know all the abhorrent details. Finally he sighed cupping my chin, but I couldn’t find it in myself to look at him, I just felt so sullied.

“Isabella, look at me.” His voice was stern and even though I didn’t want to there was a compulsion in me that made me do it.

“Does your family and friends know what happened to you?”

I nodded, “yes, Jake and Leah had the privilege of finding me.”

His eyes were trying to drill some kind of truth into me, “and because they know, do they think less of you or find you …soiled?”

“No.”

Edward sighed running the outside of his finger along my jaw, “so what makes you think I would?”

“They love me Edward.” The words came out of my mouth with conviction, and before I could understand what I just said he spoke the words I never thought I would hear.

“I love you too, Isabella.”

I stared at him, not sure I heard him correctly.

“You love me?”

Edward’s eyes bore into mine as his head nodded with conviction; I was so stunned I barely heard his next declaration.

“With all my heart.”

I was stunned.

For a brief second I thought I was dreaming and then the realization of his words finally got through to me.
I smiled and new tears of joy filled my eyes. “Oh Edward, I love you too. I love you so very much”

Edward’s hands cradled my face, his thumbs running lightly over my cheeks, “yeah?”

I nodded at his question, “yeah.”

Then his lips were on mine. Soft and gentle with an expression of love that I have never felt before in my life. I felt like I was finally where I belonged; I was home in Edwards love.