Edward groaned and shifted his body underneath me, which that alone wouldn’t have completely woken me up, however the loud ringing of the phone was another story. Trying to settle back into my place on his chest the sound of his sleepy voice resonated against my ear. “Yeah…ummm…” Edward’s shoulders moved again disturbing me further, “…shit…ok twenty minutes…see you.”
“Bella…come on baby we have to get up.”
“I don’t wanna,” I griped refusing to open my eyes.
We had been up late into the wee hours of the morning. First with our talk on the patio and then in bed where we made love for hours until god only knows when I finally fell asleep. Not that I was complaining, given the choice between sleep and slow tender loving with Edward, I’d never sleep again.
That didn’t mean in the light of the morning I was thrilled at the prospect of having to wake up.
Unless Edward wanted to have his wicked way with me?
At that thought my body snuggled in closer to him while I rubbed my happy spot against his thigh. I don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t a chuckle. “Sorry nâhtötse, we just don’t have the time.”
“Not even for a quickie?” yeah I was whining, but who the hell wouldn’t.
“Nope, we’re already running late.”
Late? How could we be late?
We didn’t need to be at breakfast until nine… “Oh shit,” my words echoing Edwards as I looked at the clock – eight-fifty-three. Throwing back the covers I quickly sat up and as my brain began to function I started calculating how much time I would need to get ready. Judging from the smell of stale love juices coming from my vag, postponing a shower was out of the question.
“How much time do we have?” I asked Edward as he moved to sit on the edge of bed.
“Alice needed an extra twenty minutes, so not much.”
Twenty minutes? It was doable.
“Ok,” I agreed getting to my feet. “I’m going to get a drink, do you need anything?”
At his no I started towards the door, stopping before going out into the other room to take a good look around. The chuckle from behind me made me turn as he asked, “What the hell are you doing?”
“Hey for the past two days I’ve been caught in compromising positions, that is not happening today,” my hand moved in front of my nude form to let him know what I was talking about. Nighties and underwear were one thing, being completely naked? – I didn’t think so.
“Just go,” he laughed, “I assure you there is no one out there.”
“Well I wasn’t taking any chances,” I mumbled before going out to any empty room.
Taking a bottle of water out of the refrigerator my eyes looked longingly at the empty coffee pot hoping that if I stared long enough it might miraculously fill with liquid. Twisting off the lid on the bottle I figured that wasn’t going to be happening and once I had resolved myself to that fact my eyes fell on the journal sitting on the counter. I had purposely left it on the nightstand for Edward, which meant that after I had gone to sleep he must have brought it out here to read.
Sticking out from the top of the closed book were two scraps of paper. That meant not only did Edward read it, he was planning on speaking with me about what it said. That fact did not surprise me in the least; he had told me last night in no uncertain terms that we would be discussing my actions once I was properly kneeling before him.
I couldn’t fault Edward for that; I had, through my own foolishness, broken the trust that was placed in me.
When I started to journal the conversation I had with Jane, the only thing I wanted to do was get it finished so that Edward could see the pureness of our talk. We hadn’t discussed any conspiracies against him; Jane had not challenged my Master’s control, nor did she try to rationalize his reasoning. Throughout the whole conversation there was only one agenda; to please my Master.
Edward was right, the exercise he gave wasn’t a hard one it was just that his explanation was vague. Whenever I felt that I had come up with one of the goals it would be dismissed with the rationale that it wasn’t good enough or it wouldn’t meet his expectations. I should have just gone to Edward and gotten more details and Jane had told me to do that. Her exact words being, ‘As soon as you hang up, seek your Master’s guidance,’ I told her that I would- and yet I didn’t.
At first it was only because I wanted to present him with my list of categories to prove that I had taken his task seriously. And I suppose that would have been alright had Edward not questioned me. Once that happened, the whole status quo changed. At that point it was my duty to provide my Master with full and total disclosure. I knew that, and yet to make the whole thing worse I justified my rebellion by placing the blame on him.
Stupid Bella…totally fucking stupid
At that moment, standing there staring at my journal, there was not a doubt in my mind that I was going to pay for that colossal blunder. I wasn’t sure how, or exactly when but I knew it would happen and I knew it was warranted.
Edward must have taken the quickest shower in the world, by the time I was entering the bathroom he was stepping out of the shower stall. His naked body glistening with drops of water, he wrapped a towel around his waist as he leaned into me placing a kiss on my forehead, “Good morning nâhtötse, did you sleep well?”
“Good morning,” I figured there was no need to act ignorant. “You should know how I slept, since you were up later than me.”
“Not too much longer,” he assured me with a wicked smile. “I had a beautiful woman sleeping peacefully in my bed.”
“Oh yeah? Was she prettier than me?”
“That’s an impossibility,” that time I got a kiss on the lips and a swat on the bottom as he said, “hurry up,” shooing me into the shower stall.
While I washed Edward used the sink to finish his morning routine. We talked back and forth about the upcoming day; there was nothing but relaxing and enjoying the last full day of our vacation. I thought about asking for more details on our usual, Edward had said we would be in full mode. I had already done that in public so that wasn’t a problem - my concern was with his family. Emmett and Rose wouldn’t care one way or the other; Jasper and Alice were a different matter. As I thought about it, I figured there were two reasons for Edward’s decision: either we would be spending the evening alone or he would give me further instructions later. Deciding it was best to just trust his judgment I let the worries leave my mind knowing that Edward would tell me when he was ready.
The warm water was rejuvenating making me wish that I had more time to enjoy it, but as it was I needed to hurry. Edward wasn’t in the bedroom when I came out with a towel around my body and one twisted on my head. Drying quickly my nose smelled the coffee and as I was pulling my bra straps up he came in to hand me a hot cup.
“Ohhh...thank you,” I said appreciatively before taking a drink. “I thought about making some but didn’t think we had time.”
“Some thing’s you have to make time for,” he smiled devilishly as he took the cup and set it on dresser, “like this,”
Edward wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me to him as he leaned down to kiss me. His lips were soft and his mouth tasted of coffee with a hint of mint. It was one of those kinds of kisses that sent my body into overdrive and I couldn’t help but to mold myself to him. The sensations were rushing through my body; it was as if he was trying to express all his feelings for me in a single kiss.
Our lips parted for a brief moment to allow for a quick intake of air before his hands tightened on my body and he spoke in a husky whisper against my lips, “I love you, nâhtötse.”
There was no time to for me to respond before Edward was kissing me again and the thought of skipping a family breakfast in exchange for a more private one was definitely appealing. From the echoing moans coming from Edward, it wouldn’t have taken much convincing. That was until the loud knock on the hotel door sounded through our room.
Pulling back Edward sighed looking at me with a slight bit of remorse as we both said together, “Emmett.”
Touching my cheek with the back of his hand Edward smiled at me, “It’s going to be harder than I thought.” At the time I didn’t understand what he meant and there was no other hint as to the meaning.
More knocking caused Edward to remove his hand with a resounding sigh. “Finish getting ready I’ll go see what he wants.”
Edward shut the door on his way out and I dressed in a pair of white shorts before going onto the bathroom to dry my hair and then put on a light blue fitted t-shirt. Going out into the other room both Emmett and Rose were sitting in the living room with Edward looking at various pamphlets. Saying good morning I sat in the remaining chair finishing my coffee as I glanced over at what they were looking at. There were several walking tours around town and Rose wanted to go on one, eat lunch, and then spend the afternoon on the beach. While I put on my shoes Edward showed me the one that was the most interesting, it would take us to various Art exhibits and shops along the south side of town as well as to a glass blowing exhibition. Rose wanted a floating fairy and since she didn’t find one on the beach she decided to purchase it.
It didn’t matter to me what we did and I thought it would be fun to see a little bit of the town; however, I wondered why they didn’t wait until we were at breakfast to bring up the subject. Emmett answered my question by explaining. “The Vin Man is not happy about having to go home early, and we don’t want to let him overhear our plans.”
That made sense.
The last thing anyone wanted was a tantrum and that would be sure to happen if Vinny thought for one minute that he was going to be missing something even remotely fun. I suppose that the idea of some man using a long stick to blow bubbles out a hunk of melted glass was sure to do that, hell I was excited to see it.
Once that was settled we headed down to the restaurant, Alice and Esme were already there with the kids. Saying good morning Rose inquired where Jasper and Carlisle were and Alice told her they had taken the kids suitcases out to the car.
Vinny was indeed unhappy, as evident by the full-on pout on his face along with the snub when we said good morning. Mia however was a different story. At seeing me she reached her little hands in the air indicating for me to pick her up. She had always been shy around me but while we were shopping the day before Mia had warmed up to me, from then on she loved me. Edward bent down scooping her off the floor while Vinny whined and asked Emmett if he could stay with him. There really is no reasoning with an insistent five year old; however Emmett gave it a try. While he spoke with his nephew my attention went to the little girl in Edward’s arms.
“Good morning Mia,” she started squirming reaching out for me to take her.
Edward released his grip and she settled on my hip laying her head on my shoulder, “Looks like you got a friend,” at my nod he asked me quietly, “She’s not to heavy, is she?”
Oh that was why he lifted her up – always so protective
“No, she’s fine,” my eyes shifted to look down at the bright eyed little girl, “aren’t you Mia?”
Lifting her head she nodded at me and I couldn’t help but smile at her, “You look very pretty in your yellow dress.”
Putting her hands on top of her head she tugged on the two pony tails sticking up like whale spouts, “I gots ellow bows.”
“I know…,” our conversation was interrupted by Vinny. “Uncle Eddie, can’t I stay here with you?”
Looking down at the little man who was so pathetic, with his sad eyes and pouty lips, I was glad he hadn’t asked me because I would never had been able to refuse him. Edward, however, didn’t seem to have that problem. “I don’t think so, but maybe if you ask Aunt Bella real nice she’ll let you sleep over at our house one night next week.”
“I sweep over too,” Mia chimed in while Vinny gave me a hopeful look. “Can I…please Aunt Bella, can I?”
Shrugging I laughed as Edward laid his head on the shoulder Mia had vacated as he mimicked Vinny’s voice, “yeah …can he..pleeeaaasse?” making both children laugh as Mia shoved his head off my shoulder to replace it with hers.
“I guess if it’s alright with your mom.”
That was all it took for his attention to shift to Alice, and as Jasper and Carlisle came in she told her son that we would talk about it on Saturday when I came over for his party. After another round of good mornings, Esme told the hostess that we were all there and she led us to the same table we had used the first night. This time, with the sun out, we were able to enjoy the view of the ocean from the large plate glass window.
Jasper took Mia from me to put in the high chair before I sat down in between Edward and Vinny. I wasn’t very hungry so I opted for poached eggs over toast and a slice of melon, but coffee was a must.
While we ate Esme confirmed the plans for the next evening as well as talk about a big family dinner at her house Sunday. Before paying the bill Esme had the waitress take a family picture and we walked them out to the car. After hugs and good byes we all stood there watching the black Mercedes drive away before getting into Jaspers Escalade.
Edward and I held hands while we walked through the town, stopping in a few different stores to see the various art works for sale. There was one store that sold three-dimensional water color paintings. I was completely captivated by the woman’s work. She had taken a simple picture, reproduced it many times and used those reproductions to give the dimension, by twisting curling and enhancing the paper until it popped out of the frame.
One in particular caught my eye, it was entitled ‘Mother Earth’ and portrayed the side view of a woman from the shoulders up with her head turned to see her full face. Vines and flowers draped from her hair to conceal most her shoulder and breast. It was simply beautiful.
Standing behind me Edward laid his chin on my shoulder, “Let’s get it.”
Turning my head slightly to see his face I wondered, “Do you like it?”
“Very much, she reminds me of you,” my gaze went back to the picture hanging on the wall. Not really seeing the resemblance my eyes narrowed as the back of Edward’s hand skimmed the side of my face. “Same jaw line, same round cheeks, mahogany hair and brown eyes that hold a slight hint of seduction with a whole lot of intuition.”
“Is that how you see me?” I asked questionably staring at the enticingly beautiful woman portrayed in the framed picture.
“Since the moment I laid eyes on you nâhtötse.” He kissed my cheek and I could feel the blush warm my skin and the moisture warm my girly parts.
Damn what he does to me
The chuckle from Edward made me giggle, “What do you say, are we taking her home with us?”
“Where are we going to put her?” At my question Edward stood straight but still close enough that I could feel him shrug, “We’ll find a spot.”
Edward didn’t wait for my consent, going over to the woman in the front of the store he brought her back and a few minutes later he was pulling out his credit card to pay. I had never really realized how expensive hand crafted art could be. I suppose when you think of all the work that goes into producing one piece the cost is still reasonable, however my mouth dropped when she told us the price. I was going to tell Edward to put it back but the woman had already ran the card through the little machine and was wrapping the picture in tissue paper. As she started to cover it in protective bubble wrap Edward signed the slip then gave me a smug smile.
“I’ll pay for this, and you can pay for the rock.”
Agreeing with him I laughed because there was no reason to get into a discussion about who pays for what, besides the picture was going to be hanging in his home, so it was his prerogative to pay for it. Edward carried the rather large package out of the store; Emmett was eyeing us as we met them on the sidewalk. “What did you buy?”
“A portrait of mother nature,” at the answer Emmett snickered while he wondered what kind of picture it was. I, however, was more focused on Rose who was eating some kind of dounut on a stick. “What’s that?”
She took another bite and I could see the white cream and dark red jelly oozing out from the middle. Rose chewed and swallowed offering the stick to me for a taste as she explained, “It’s called a pastry rod. They make them fresh and fill them with whatever you want.”
Opening my mouth around the long pastry my teeth bit into the yummy goodness. It was still warm making the sugar coated dough melt in my mouth as the cream and jelly mixed together to make the whole thing simply scrumptious. Closing my eyes I let the flavors and textures melt against my tongue and I’m pretty sure I moaned, loudly. It didn’t matter that around me was a mixture of chuckles and groans; I was in my own little heaven.
Opening my eyes Rose was nodding with a knowing grin, “It’s better than an orgasm.”
Swallowing, my tongue licked across my lips searching for anything it might have missed before answering, “Close.”
“Jesus Christ,” Emmett muttered as Edward chuckled, “I’ll have to remember that.”
Alice and Jasper met up with us while we were looking in the window of a shop a few doors down. They had been in one of the many jewelry stores and Alice was sporting a new bracelet made of amber colored glass beads. It was pretty and while we stood there admiring it Jasper gave Edward the car keys so he could put our package in saving him from having to carry it. Once he was back, we moved on to the next street which was mostly filled with eateries. It was still too early for lunch so we made our way down to the glass blowing exhibition.
Housed in what appeared to be an empty brick factory, the front of the building was nothing but retail sales. They had everything in there from small glass roses, vases, and round balls of every shape and size, to large fluted bowls and lamps. We took in some of the items they had, waiting for the next exhibition to begin. As we walked around, the craftsmanship was something to admire along with the individual beauty of each piece. Rose had picked out a mobile that consisted of five spheres of varying colors of blue. It was pretty and would look great hanging close to a window where the sun could reflect off the glass; she was also holding a deep purple flower vase with fluted edges that had hints of bright green going through it.
“That’s really pretty,” I said taking the vase from her hands to admire it closer.
“That will go great in your dining room,” Alice added while Rose agreed, “Yeah, I was thinking of putting it there that shelf over the fire place.”
As they were talking it dawned on me, “I haven’t been to your house yet.”
“Well come on girl what are you waiting for?” Rose sounded like it was some sort of snub on my part.
“An invitation,” I answered sarcastically while she rolled her eyes taking the vase back from me.
Alice had the bright idea for all of us to eat at Rose’s house Saturday night, and then she would be there to help us get ready for the Anniversary party. Both women looked at me for an answer, which was something I couldn’t give without first asking Edward. My big mouth had already gotten me into trouble by making plans without his consent, so there was no way I would do it again.
“Umm…let me check with Edward first.” Alice rolled her eyes, “Do you need his permission to use the bathroom too?”
Rose tried to interject, however I didn’t need any help with handling Alice. “As a matter of fact, sometimes I do.”
Hoping that there wasn’t going to be a dispute I was actually very glad to hear the cynical, “Whatever,” come from her mouth. Alice understood our other relationship, she didn’t fully agree with it, but she wouldn’t interfere either. I honestly believe that to her any part of my submission to Edward was an extension of our sex life. Which I suppose is true – in a way – just as within a marriage the intimacy shared is an extension of what happens in the bedroom. The sexual undertones are always there and they are strong at times, but the overall commitment is something so much deeper. If that weren’t the case I would never have any clothes on and would be walking around in a perpetual state of orgasm.
That didn’t sound so bad
Snickering at the thought, Edward moved in behind me, “What’s so funny?”
“Your sister,” even though she had no clue what had just run through my mind Rose giggled and Alice mentioned her idea about Saturday night ending with, “Bella said she had to ask you first.”
His eyes shifted to me; there was a flash of darkness in his gaze that sent a shiver through me and left me wondering what he was thinking. It was gone in an instant, and by the time he spoke to his sister his expression was normal. “I don’t see a problem with that.”
“Are we ready to go see some hot blowing?” Jasper asked making me giggle.
Rose went to pay for her purchases while we all went into the back of the building into what was called –for good reasons -the hot shop. Two huge furnaces along the back wall made the room so sweltering that within seconds I was perspiring. The men who were doing the demonstration talked about how high the heat of the fire needed to be in order to keep the molten glass at the right temperature. Rose rejoined us complaining about the warmth just as the one man pulled a large ball of melted glass from the fire. He twisted and turned the long blow stick with the glob of melted amber glass until it had elongated into the desired shape. Laying the length over the large trough he rotated it while sponging down the metal with water and at the other end his partner began blowing into the stick allowing the glass to expand. The two men worked together adding more broken chards of glass for color, reheating the glass in the glory hole – a word that made Emmett snicker - and repeating the previous procedure. Once they were happy with the result, they toiled together spinning and blowing while working with tools and thick pieces of wet newspaper until they had formed the base of a lamp. As they worked they talked about the precision of their craft and how one little mistake by either of them could ruin the whole piece. They were so versed in their abilities it only took about twenty minutes before they were done. The man then said the finished piece had to go into a special cabinet where it would be allowed to slowly cool down over the next twelve hours. If it cooled too fast it would crack, too slow and it would lose its shape. It was extremely interesting to watch giving me an added appreciation for the floating fairy we had found.
With the demonstration done we decided rather than stop for lunch it would be best to grab sandwiches back at the hotel and eat them on the beach. Edward carried the picture we had bought and while we were stepping out of the elevator Alice warned us about not taking too long. We assured her fifteen minutes would be all it should take for us to change and meet back up with them. Walking down the hall Emmett made a sly comment about Edward’s quickness but we just laughed it off.
I knew that since our usual was planned for later, sex would be out of the question – Edward always wants me itching for him and taking care of that scratch early would hinder my response to him. Reaching our door I did have to wonder, “What’s going to happen tonight? I mean being in full sub mode around Alice and Jasper, how is that going to work?”
Opening the door Edward stood back for me to enter, “I haven’t figured the whole thing out yet. So I was hoping to banish our set time constraints to play it by ear and that you would be open to my whims.”
“Whims?” I questioned, “as in urges?”
He smiled setting the picture down on the table, “No…as in impulses. Just be ready whenever the spirit moves me.”
“Alright,” I agreed going into the bedroom to change.
I was still apprehensive about being around Alice and Jasper, but I had to trust that Edward knew what he was doing. I also trusted that if the shit would hit the fan and they got upset, Edward would step in and let them fling their resentment at him- not me.
Taking out my blue tankini to change quickly, I pulled the white cover-up over my head before going into the living room to find Edward pacing. At seeing me he seemed to relax, yet his jaw was still tight as he spoke, “Give me a minute and I’ll be ready to go.”
I nodded as I headed for the kitchen area to gather the open bags of snacks we had left and a few bottles of water. Double checking the beach bag I pulled out my sunglasses and plopped them on top of my head. Edward came out wearing a pair of burnt orange board shorts and a dark blue t-shirt, he picked up the bag, I put on my flip flops and we left. Walking down the hall Rose and Emmett were coming out of their room.
Emmett nudged Rose on the arm, “You owe me, I told you they would make it out in time.”
“It was close but I resisted,” Edward added with a devastatingly charming smile.
“Resisted what? You didn’t even come near me.”
“How do you think I resisted? I stayed the fuck away.”
“Is that why you were pacing?” My question making Emmett and Rose snicker however Edward had no shame.
“Hell yeah,” he admitted. “I was ready to tear down the fucking door down to get in there with you. That would have been detrimental,” the last part came out in a hushed murmur, so low I barely heard him.
Alice and Jasper were already in the store ordering their sandwiches and once everyone had their food we went out to the beach. The sun was bright with a cool breeze blowing, but it was still warm enough to remove the cover-up. Alice had brought down her big beach blanket which we all sat on to eat, talking about where they wanted to go for dinner and Alice wondered what we were going to wear. I shrugged saying that I didn’t know – which was the truth. Edward always picks out my clothes during our usual.
After lunch was cleaned up the guys went down to the water throwing the football back and forth while we stretched out on the blanket. Our heads were all together with the bags of open snacks between us. Alice turned on some music while Rose lay on her stomach – after digging a hole out in the sand for her expanding belly – reading Cosmo. I lay down on my back with my knees bent, fanning out my hair a little bit so it wasn’t bunched under my neck. Beyoncé’s ‘The Best Thing I Never Had’ was playing and I quietly sang along.
“I haven’t seen the skanks all day, maybe they went home,” Alice said without emotion.
“Did your mom tell you what she said in the bathroom?” Rose wondered while I tried to dismiss the whole memory from my mind.
“No, she only reiterated what she had already told us,” Alice sounded disappointed and then added, “I can’t believe some little floozy would actually say something so preposterous. I mean come on, look at how my brother looks at you Bella; did she really think she stood a chance?”
I only shrugged because evidently that was exactly what the skank thought. “Besides…” Alice chuckled “…even if you weren’t with him, I would have loved to see her face when he told her what he wanted to do to her…” She laughed some more, “…one look at his playroom would have had her running for the hills.”
“Not necessarily,” Rose interjected while I glanced over my right shoulder to see Alice, wondering exactly what she meant by that statement. She was still giggling and I figured it just wasn’t worth the effort to draw out the conversation.
Thankfully Rose felt the same way as she changed the subject by reading from the magazine. “Ok, here are some stupid things men have said.”
Resting my head back I listened and laughed while Rose read aloud, ‘I was getting ready to go out when my boyfriend started to absentmindedly look through my purse. When I turned around to see what he was doing, he was sniffing a panty liner. ‘What’s this?’ he asked, ‘is it like a perfume sample or something?’
“Oh my God, is he stupid?” Alice laughed along with me but I was more curious about something else, “What the hell does she have an open panty liner in her purse for?”
Rose laughed, “Yeah, that couldn’t be very sanitary,” she giggled again and then read the next one. “This guy told his girlfriend, ‘You’re not fat. You just have a big body.’
Alice gasped, “I’d fucking kill him!”
“It’s better than this one,” Rose snickered, “This guy asked, ‘Are your boobs supposed to be as saggy as my balls?’ The three of us laughed while Rose went on, “Or this poor guy who wondered, ‘Why do you have an electric dildo on your dresser plugged into the wall?’ Rose was laughing so hard I could barely understand the answer, “It was her hair straightener.”
We broke into a fit of laughter.
“Talk about a Hot Twat,” Alice giggled and Rose added with a laugh, “Cooked Beaver,” and I couldn’t help but chime, “Fried Snatch.”
“That sounds like a redneck dinner party.”
Whipping the tears from my eyes I told her, “That’s nasty Alice.”
As our laughter settled down Rose read a question, “Have you ever regretted having sex with someone?”
“Does a husband count?” I wondered tilting my head back to see Rose while waiting for the answer.
“Do you regret any of it?”
“I regret all of it.”
Rose smirked at my answer but in all honesty it wasn’t funny.
“Well I only had sex with Jazz so…no.” Alice was sure while Rose just muttered, “I have,” before asking the next question. “How old were you when you lost your virginity?”
“Sixteen,” Rose found some satisfaction in my response as she answered, “Ha, I was seventeen that makes you the hoe Bella.”
“Na ah…Alice was younger than me when she started dating Jasper…”
“I’ll have you know that I was a virgin on my wedding night.”
“What?” removing my sunglasses I quickly turned onto my stomach, leaning on my elbows so I was level with Alice’s face. “There is no freaking way I’m going to believe that.”
My eyes shifted to Rose who was nodding her head in an all knowing fashion while Alice answered flippantly, “I don’t care if you believe me, it’s true.”
“How the Hell did you manage that?” She and Jasper had started dating right after she turned sixteen – secretly at first – and he is almost five years older than her, so I highly doubted he was a virgin. I could see him being patient and gentlemanly but celibate? I wasn’t buying that bill of goods.
“Go ahead Alice, tell her your technically theory.”
“It’s no theory,” Alice defended. “The definition of a virgin is that no penis has entered the vagina.”
Ohhhhh
She was using a very loose literal meaning which she continued to explain, “It was important to me that on my wedding night I would give myself to my husband. Jazz was older and in college and he had… experience,” disgust seemed to cross her face, “which I’m not even going to talk about Maria with you,” her expression softened. “Besides he would get me so freaking hot with his magical hands…”
Ok that was more then I needed to know
“…so we did other things.”
Nodding, I could understand her reasoning and it would be nice to give yourself wholly to your husband. As I thought about it though I wondered, “If you had over four years of practice, why did we have to school you on giving a proper blow job?”
Her face became stoic, while Rose snickered whispering as she leaned her head a little closer to me, “Jasper used an…alternative route.”
Alternative route? What the …
“Holy Shit!” I gasped as realization came to me, “Jasper was a back door man?”
“Shhhh…” Alice waved her hand in front of my face to get me to lower my voice, while Rose became rather smug. “He still is.”
For some reason that piece of information was astonishing to me. I couldn’t really say that I had thought about their sex life, but if someone were to ask I would have pegged them as the strictly missionary type. Not that I didn’t understand the joy of anal sex but …Alice? The woman who frowns upon me needing permission to pee takes it up the ass on a regular basis? It was almost surreal to me, and I had to look over my shoulder to make sure we were talking about the same Jasper. For all his cynicism towards our usual, he was just as wicked as the next man.
Shaking the images from my head I twisted the cap off my bottle of water and was glad when Rose asked the next question, “What is the hottest thing you can say to your man during sex?”
Putting the bottle to my lips I said with a grin, “Don’t hurt me with that thing,” making Rose giggle while she shook her head and I took a big gulp of water as Alice replied, “Come on Daddy, fuck me hard!”
Shock overtook me as I swallowed making me choke on the water while Rose was more boisterous. “Jesus Alice, you call him daddy?”
Still coughing I took another drink while she answered, “Everybody calls their man Daddy in bed.”
“I’ve never…” before I could finish the coughing started again and Alice patted my back while I took another drink to ease the discomfort in my throat. Rose gave me a cynical look, “I have once or twice but it’s not my thing.”
“What thing?” Alice wondered, “My mother called my father Daddy all the time.”
“Not in the bedroom,” my tone was off from the tickle in my throat.
“I’ll have you know that my room was right next to theirs and I assure you she did.”
Oh My God…that was something I could have lived my whole life without knowing. It was one thing for Esme to acknowledge the daily sex; in fact, I found that to be rather amorous. But having an intimate knowledge of what occurs was a wholly different thing. Then again what child wants to hear or see their parent’s intimate times?
Rose who had been so good at dropping uncomfortable subjects decided this was one she couldn’t let go, “You could actually hear them?”
“Yes, mom is really loud. It was so embarrassing when I had friends over…they would wake us up.”
Giggling, I had to share, “Leah and I walked in on Charlie and Sue once.” Both of them stared at me waiting for the rest, “They were in the living room defiling a chair.”
They giggled and thoughts of Charlie made me wonder, “How about your parents Rose?” I couldn’t remember her ever talking about them.
“No…I think my mother was too proper to have sex and my father was a bit anal retentive so …”
The word was - past tense - is what had stuck in my mind. “Are they gone?”
With narrowed eyes she shook her head, “No, they are still in Chicago.”
Maybe I should have dropped the subject especially when Rose dropped her eyes back to the magazine at the mention of the city. I knew it was a major point of contention yet I asked anyway, “You don’t talk to them?”
Her gaze was back to me, “I speak to my father at Christmas and Birthdays, my mother…” through glassy eyes she spoke in a voice that almost broke with the pain, “…she never forgave me for ruining her social status. She would rather I had died that night than have to face all the people at the country club who considered her daughter to be a lying whore.”
“Oh Rose…” I didn’t know what to say as I felt my own eyes well up with tears, “…one day everybody gets what they deserve and he will too.”
“I believe that too,” Alice added in a subdued voice, “after all Karma is a bitch and that which you sow is reaped back tenfold.”
“I would love to believe that because I did all I could, was bitch slapped for the effort, and thrown out like a piece of fucking trash.”
Squeezing Roses hand in a show of support I asked, “Didn’t your parents stand behind you when you went to the police?”
I was astonished at the shaking of her head, “When they came to the hospital my mother told me to keep my mouth shut, tell the police I didn’t have any memory of the events because the scandal would have adverse effects on the family.” Anger crossed Rose’s face, “I was lying there dealing with being gang raped, with my jaw wired shut, and her only worry is what people would think about her.”
Squeezing her hand in support she looked into my tear fill eyes letting the bond we shared solidify. Rose and I were kindred souls, we had both lived through the horror of being brutally violated and yet we were very different. Where she had faced the truth head on, I refused to even acknowledge it. She was admonished for her honesty while I was criticized for my denial. Both of us on opposite ends of the spectrum yet in the end we both had to live with the consequences of our decisions.
“So, what’s the answer?”
“I don’t have an answer Alice,” Rose said solemnly as her gaze shifted away from mine.
“No, I mean to the question ‘what’s the hottest thing you can say?” she pointed to the open magazine.
“Oh…” Rose looked down as she spoke, “I’m cumming.”
“Where are you going?” I wondered.
Rose laughed, “That’s the answer Bella. The hottest thing you can say is, ‘I’m cumming.’”
I was stunned, “That’s it, that’s the hottest thing?”
Rose read the reasoning, “So simple, so powerful. This sentence is like the sex version of bacon — men freakin' love it. Being a great lover is a prime source of pride for guys. Telling him you're about to orgasm is the ultimate accolade. It's proof that he's successfully satisfying you. What's more, he's gotten you so aroused that you're out of control — this phrase suggests that even if you tried, you couldn't stop from tumbling over the edge. Announcing your orgasm's arrival also amps up anticipation for that pivotal moment, thus enhancing enjoyment for both of you. Plus, since most men are ready to climax before women are, this gives him permission to come and that's definitely music to his, um, ears.”
“Well, I don’t know about you two, but that’s disappointing,” Alice muttered rolling over onto her back.
Snickering I was about to turn over myself when I felt the weight of Edward’s body laying over me, his lips kissing my exposed shoulder, “What are you doing nâhtötse?”
Twisting my head to see his face I told him exactly what we were doing, “Listening to Rose tell us about men’s sex secrets.”
“Oh yeah, did you learn anything new babe?” Emmett asked sitting down next to his wife and reaching for the bag of Cheetos.
“Nah… sorry, you’re stuck with the same old bag of tricks.”
While they were talking, Edward kissed his way along my shoulder until his mouth was next to my ear where he spoke quietly, “At four-fifteen you are to excuse yourself and prepare to wait for me in the living room.”
Between his breath against my ear and the anticipation his words created a shiver went through me as I whispered, “As you wish.”
Edward lifted up on is arms taking the weight of his body off me and I turned around to lie on my back. He reached over my head taking a hand full of pretzels and laid his head on my stomach munching on the snack while he stretched his legs out into the sand. Closing my eyes at the brightness of the sun my body relaxed as my fingers ran absentmindedly through his hair.
“What the hell is this…twenty-eight ways to keep your man happy,” Emmett must have been reading from the magazine
“Twenty-eight? All you need is four,” Jasper announced.
Four? Esme summed it up in three.
Blocking the sun with my hand I turned to look at him hoping he would elaborate, and I wasn’t disappointed as he used his fingers to rattle off his list. “Suck my dick, play with my balls, make me a sandwich, and for god’s sake don’t talk during football.”
It seemed off to hear Jasper talking about his dick and after what Alice had said earlier I came to see prim and proper Jasper in a different light. He really was just one of the guys, however Emmett’s comment was completely expected, “Better yet suck my dick during football that way I know you can’t talk.”
“You guys are disgusting.”
Jasper responded to his wife’s comment, “There’s nothing wrong with that darling, anytime we can get blow job, we’ll take it.”
“Fuck yeah, at home, in the car, on the beach,” I could imagine Emmett wagging his eyebrows at Rose as she replied, “I’m not sucking you off on the beach but maybe if you’re a good boy…”
“Oh baby…I’m always good.”
I was laughing so hard Edward’s head was bouncing around on my stomach. The banter back and forth continued and after a while we all got up to take a walk down the beach to the jetties. While we were there I found the perfect rock and by the time we got back to the blanket there was only ten minutes left until I had to excuse myself. Taking my camera out of the bag I snapped off a few pictures before I started gathering up my stuff. Rose and Alice also packed up leaving the blanket on the beach for the boys to use. I kissed Edward and he told me to take the rock but he would bring in the tote bag.
Riding up in the elevator Alice again wondered about what to wear, we were going to a pub for dinner but to the casino afterwards so she was torn between dressing up and going casual. Rose decided that she wasn’t in the mood to wear a dress but I remained quiet, still unsure of what Edward would have me dress in. Stepping off on our floor Rose and I walked in silence to her door, saying I would see her later she stopped me.
“Bella…” turning to see what she wanted Rose remained quiet as she stared at me. There was no need for words; I knew what was in her heart. Holding on to my rock I gave her a one arm hug saying, “It will all work out Rose, besides look at what you have now with Emmett.”
Stepping away she patted her belly nodding in agreement, “Yeah, it was worth the hell to get to the heaven.”
Walking down the hall to my room I thought about Roses parting words. Two months ago I don’t know that I would have agreed with her but that was only because my heaven was still waiting to find me. At that moment as I opened the door I knew that her words were true, going through the hell to get to Edward was worth it.
Having no idea how much time Edward was going to give me I set about preparing myself, getting in the shower to rinse the sand off, brushing my hair and teeth along with applying a little bit of makeup. I was told to wait in the living room area but there was no mention of where. Starting to kneel in the space between the table and the TV I thought better of it as I remembered his instructions from a few days ago.
‘If there is no indication of where to kneel then you are to wait in a standing position.’
Getting back up I stood facing the wall with my back to the door.
Waiting on my feet was a first for me and I found it very uncomfortable to stand ram rod straight with my feet shoulder width apart and my hands clasped behind my back. It was also difficult to relax enough to center myself. Normally when I knelt my whole body settled into place and I could close my eyes to mentally prepare for his entrance. That wasn’t possible while standing, every time I closed my eyes my equilibrium would be lost making me feel like my body was swaying. So I found that I was either focusing all my attention on not falling over or I was concentrating on the tension in the muscles of my calves and feet.
I don’t know how long I stood there with before the sound of the door opening caused me to concentrate very hard on my proper posture. Edward didn’t say a word as he walked around the room; with me facing away from him all I could do was try to remain still while listening to the sound of cabinets opening and his retreating footsteps into the bedroom. There was a part of me that felt slightly miffed at being ignored especially at the sound of running water.
He’s taking a shower?
Reasoning that I too had taken a quick shower to remove the sand, my mind settled back onto the task of remaining steadfast. He was in there much longer than I had expected and even after the water was shut off it seemed to take a long time before I heard him come out to me. Once again there was no acknowledgement of my presence as he busied himself in the room behind me.
What the heck is he doing?
After a few minutes the curiosity was getting to be too much and my eyes shifted side wards trying to see what he was up to. I had no idea how long I had stood there waiting and I cursed myself for not standing a few feet further back so I could have seen the clock.
The sound of Edward walking in my direction was very welcomed as the trepidation from waiting so long was starting to get to me. I knew that there was going to be some kind of discussion about what had occurred with Jane, but even a reprimand was better than just standing there. With my eyes on the floor I saw movement on the peripheral as Edward walked past me – fully dressed – without saying a word. He pulled one of the side chairs from against the wall to a spot about six feet in front of me, close enough that I could see him yet out of arms reach. After picking something up from the side table he remained completely quiet while taking the seat.
I had often stood bare before Edward, yet for some reason my anxiety spiked at the humiliation I felt standing naked while Edward was completely dressed; right down to his shoes. It became so bad that I had to literally force my lungs to expand at a regular pace as I desperately tried to keep still. With my eyes on the floor I could barely see enough of his movements to distinguish his actions. I was also starting to realize that I had been flexing the muscles in my legs and the need to shift the weight in my feet was beginning to get to me as Edward snapped his fingers.
That was new
Did it mean look at me…stand still …come to me? The possibilities seemed endless.
Tentatively my eyes lifted to see his hand make the signal telling me to kneel, once on my knees the next two signals came immediately. The first to relax and the second to lower my eyes, both of which I gladly did. Sinking down further until my bottom was nearly touching the floor as my eyes focused on an imperfection in the nap of the beige rug and then the waiting game began again.
If I had to come up with the absolutely worst part of my submission it would be the waiting while under his scrutinizing gaze. His eyes raked across my body with burning interest. It was unnerving and yet at the same time it caused a reaction in me that pumped adrenaline through my veins making the anticipation of his touch or command sinfully luscious.
Not being able to see Edward’s face, all I could do was concentrate on taking even breathes while trying to remain calm as he analyzed every minute detail of my presence. The tension was beginning to creep in again when there was movement on his part.
Getting to his feet Edward moved towards me and I relaxed knowing that he was about to start. That feeling only lasted for a second as he walked passed me to once again do something over in the kitchen area. The cabinet opened and closed as well as the refrigerator door before he came back over to the chair. As he sat back down I heard the distinct clink of a glass being set on the side table, telling me he had gotten himself a drink.
Why didn’t he have me do that?
Edward’s gaze continued to burn my skin even as his hand reached over to lift the glass after taking a sip he set it back down and he finally spoke in a subdued voice.
“Who’s collar do you wear Isabella?”
It was not a yes or no question so I remained quiet and was glad when he continued, “I ask because there seems to be some kind of confusion as to who owns the collar, who wields the collar, and the meaning that the collar exhibits.”
The desire to look in his face so I could get a reading on what he was thinking was so strong that I could feel the stiffness in my face as I forced myself to keep looking at the floor. Edward’s hand reached out to the table and through my lashes I saw him opening my journal, clearing his throat he began to read.
‘I truly don’t understand what the problem was with me contacting Jane to fulfill the assignment he gave me. All I wanted to do was show Edward that I was fully capable of satisfying his wishes all on my own’
He was quiet for another moment making wonder what was wrong with that statement, it didn’t take long of him to tell me.
“That’s not really the truth though. You were not capable of doing it on your own, which was evident by your asking Jane for help. And as we talked about last night there were other motives at work,” looking down he once again began to read aloud.
My whole life I had been forced to do everything on my own, always with the
wish that someone would step up and take care of me or at the very least, be there for support. Then when I finally have that someone, I push him away. It almost became a source of pride, that I could do it on my own not needing the help that he could give me. After all I’m a big girl and I thought that once Edward saw how in depth I had dwelled into my psyche, he would be proud of me. Even after Jane advised me to seek his guidance in what he was expecting I still couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Edward paused for a moment while he turned the page and read a little more.
The question of why I hadn’t come to him rather than seek Jane’s direction got the better of me. For the time being I had the upper hand. Oh I reasoned that at a later time I would tell him but at that moment there was something inside me that desired for him to stew in his own curiosity.
I wanted him to see what it felt like to have your questions dismissed in the hopes that he might see that my wants mattered too. My focus which had been on pleasing him was turned to gratifying me. It no longer mattered what he thought it was strictly about maintaining my pride.
Hearing my own words brought a sense of shame to me, I truly had taken the trust he placed in me to be honest with him and trampled all over it. The snap of his fingers brought my eyes to his, they were intensely dark and his face was stone cold impassiveness.
“Isabella, tell me the meaning of manipulative.”
The question caught me off guard but I didn’t hesitate to answer, “Doing something with the intent to make someone else do what you want.”
“Do you agree that would be a fair description of your actions?”
Manipulative? Is that what I was?
Not sure if I truly agreed and not wanting to push Edward’s patience I answered with what I thought to be a safe response, “You’re girl is not sure Master.”
“She’s not? Then let me reiterate what I just read,” his eyes went back to the journal as he repeated the sentence I had written stressing the words that would condemn me, “Oh I reasoned that at a later time I would tell him but at that moment there was something inside me that desired for him to stew in his own curiosity. I wanted him to see what it felt like to have your questions dismissed in the hopes that he might see that my wants mattered too.”
Raising one eyebrow he spoke with a harsh coolness, “Scheming, calculating, underhanded trickery.”
There was quiet for a few moments as those words sunk into my brain.
“Now are we in agreement?”
Releasing the lip that I had been biting I thought about my definition along with the synonyms he had used and realized that was exactly what I had been. “Yes Sir. Your girl is…”
Cutting off my apology he spit out, “I don’t want to hear about being sorry. I’ve told you, I know you’re sorry, but we are past that and during our usual I don’t ever want to hear the word sorry come out of your mouth again.”
What should I say then?
The answer to my unspoken question came, “Talk is cheap Isabella, don’t tell me …show me.”
Show him how?
That was a question that would have to be answered at a later time as he moved onto a new subject.
“You know Isabella, there seems to be some kind of delusion you have that says I should be concerned with your wants. In that, you are very wrong.” Edward paused for a moment before going on.
“I have told you that your needs are always first and foremost on my mind. I will indulge your wants at my discretion, however, your needs will always be exceedingly met. It doesn’t matter to me if I am thinking of my girlfriend or my submissive, to me the two are interchangeable. Because try as I may to differentiate between the two identities, it is an impossibility. There are times when one takes precedence over the other but the two personas are always simultaneously present. And in that I owe you an apology because even though I was not talking to my submissive at the time, what I should have done was take you aside and demanded the answers to the questions I was asking. I want you to know that it will never happen again, I will not allow you to be a devious, crafty, secretive female, simply because I feel that by demanding an answer crosses some arbitrary line.”
By the end of his lecture his voice had become rather harsh.
While he picked up his glass for another drink I thought about what he had just said and understood the truth of his convictions. He had voiced an accurate depiction, even when we are not in our usual time slot Edward is at always my Master. The boyfriend who I love so very much is enriched by the fact that I know under the surface the Dominant man is laying there waiting to be released. There are times when his presence takes me by surprise, but even then the submissive in me is always glad to see him. My heart pounds a little harder, my body fills with desire and something deep down wants to fall on her knees and worship him with her service.
With a deep sigh he placed the glass back on the table before continuing. “I’m afraid that you have put me at a disadvantage Isabella, which is not exactly something I’m use to or like. But I am a man of my word and when I said that you would never be punished for something you wrote in the journal I meant that. Because believe me, had I not given you that promise I can guarantee you that the privilege of speaking with Jane would have been revoked. I will, however, give you my assurance that should you once again seek her advice about a task I gave you without first addressing the concern with me, that is exactly what will happen. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes Sir.” It was all I could say.
“Good,” at that word he sat forward with his elbows resting on his thighs he clasped his hands together letting them hang between his open legs.
He seemed slightly more relaxed as he spoke with a softer tone, “You can and should always come to me with everything; I want you to, and furthermore expect it from you. There is no shame or weakness in asking me to clarify something for you. And just as we tell our students the only dumb question is the one that goes unasked. I’ll also tell you that just as with your journaling there will never be a punishment for your thoughts or feeling, unless like yesterday you act upon them.”
I knew it was coming
I waited to hear what my punishment was going to be but it didn’t come, instead Edward continued to talk. “However, I don’t expect that to happen because last night I was guaranteed from now on you would seek my advice so I can put that worry out of my mind, correct?”
“Yes Sir.”
Pursing his lips he regarded me curiously, “I guess we shall see.”
He got to his feet but still stood rather far away from me which was disappointing as I really wanted to feel his touch. Instead all I got was the signal to look at him, which I immediately did.
“So, back to my original points.” Pausing for a moment he asked, “Who’s collar is it Isabella?”
I would like to think of it as mine but I knew it wasn’t, “It is yours Master.”
“Are you sure about that? Because as I was reading your journal you often make reference to it being ‘My Collar’ - showing possession, which made me wonder if maybe there was some misunderstanding.” With one raised eyebrow he asked, “Is there a misconception?”
“No Master.”
“Good, then from now on I’ll expect the appropriate reference to be made.”
That was simple enough to comply with, while I was making a mental note to remember Edward asked his next question.
“And whose neck does My Collar adorn?”
Blinking a few times I wasn’t sure what he wanted to hear, we both knew that it was on my neck so it seemed silly to say that. Edward didn’t like my hesitation as he asked with a harsh tone, “Whose neck?”
“This girls…”
“Just any girl?” He asked the question with an irritated tone.
“N…no…Your Collar adorns the neck of M…Master’s submissive.”
Staring in my eyes his face became impassive, “And what does My Collar mean to My submissive?”
At the question I started rattling off the standard answers, “It means that this girl is own by her Master, that she is his to command.”
“What else?”
All I could do was stare back into his beseeching eyes while I tried to think of what to say. In an attempt to help he prompted me, “What does being owned mean to my submissive?”
I could feel the foreboding growing inside me, that feeling of dread that makes your stomach knot and your face tingle. Tears filled my eyes as I couldn’t think of anything to say.
Edward sighed and spoke with no emotion, “That’s what I thought.”
I wanted to cry out that it meant everything to me but I knew that he would have wanted me to elaborate and at that moment I was simply at a loss for words. Taking a deep breath Edward said the words that I dreaded to hear.
“I will not nor cannot accept the service from someone who has no idea what it means to wear my collar.”
Tears filled my eyes and the instinct to grab a hold of Master’s Collar and hold on to it was overwhelming. So much of my focus was on the meaning of what Edward had just said that I almost missed his instructions.
“For the time being you are to behave as if in full mode. For this evening around my family you will not refer to me as Master nor use my proper name….”
For the time being? For this evening?
I was so focused on trying to decipher what he meant that I almost missed the rest, then once I comprehended what he said I wished I hadn’t.
“…However, I assure you your service will not be acknowledged. Perhaps as you go about obeying the rules and following protocols without any distractions, maybe the answer will come to you. But for now that’s the way it’s going to be, so do you have any questions?”
Sniffling, I asked the only thing that came to my mind, “For how long?”
Was he talking about tonight, this weekend, a month? I had no clue and apparently neither did he as he answered sternly, “As long as it takes.”
The quietness was a thick tension as Edward continued to stare into my eyes. After a moment he glanced over to the right at what I believed was the time because he took a step in my direction holding out his hand for me, “We have to leave soon so unless you are planning to go like that…”
Getting to my feet I looked into his emotionless face, “What would you have this girl wear?”
The nonchalance of his answer was cutting, “It doesn’t matter.”
It was like I had been kicked in the stomach and it took all I had to not cry as I felt the muscles in my face twitch. Without saying a word I turned to go into the bedroom where I lost the battle and the tears came. Wiping my eyes I really wished I had listened more to what the other girls were wearing. The last I could remember was Rose saying she didn’t feel like getting dressed up so that was what I went by. Choosing a pair of skinny jeans I dressed it up with a long black fitted halter shirt and black open toed heels. Once I was dressed the need to wash my face and reapply makeup was a necessity.
Brushing through my hair I stared at my face in the mirror wondering what had just happened and what it was that Edward expected me to say. Running the mascara through my lashes it came to me that he didn’t want the typical answers of to be obedient, respectful or subservient. He was looking for a deeper meaning and try as I might nothing was coming to me. Washing my hands I began to wonder how long it would take and what if it never came to me would our usual consist of rejected service forever?
Feeling rather forlorn and wishing that we could just stay home or at the very least spend the night alone I walked out to meet him, presenting myself as required. Edward was in the kitchen rinsing out his glass. As I stood next to him, he placed it in the strainer turning he took in my appearance with a sad smile.
“You look beautiful.”
“Thank you,” it felt off not to add the Master.
“Do you think you need a jacket?”
Knowing that my shoulders were bare I nodded, “Yes.”
There was no command to get one as he shrugged raising one eyebrow as if to say ‘use your own judgment’ - I did get a jacket before we left.
Edward checked his pockets making sure he had everything before holding the door open for me to step out into the hallway. Once he shut the door I fell in line walking a few step behind him with my eyes lowered and my purse slug over my arm.
It was going to be a long fucking night
Getting down into the lobby I was glad to see that my choice of clothing was correct. Both of the girls wore jeans with heels, Alice had on a beige sleeveless silk shirt while Rose was in a burnt orange strapless top that flowed over her belly. She was also donning a tight gold choker of interlacing circles.
I kept up all protocols while Edward fulfilled his promise of ignoring any and all of my attempts at service. He was as gentlemanly as ever, holding doors open, taking my hand to help me out of the Escalade, pulling out my stool and even kissing my head before taking his place opposite me at the table. Everyone was chatting while looking over their menu, personally I wasn’t hungry.
I was looking around the pub while they ordered two pitchers of beer and Rose got an iced tea. It was typical casual style with lots of neon beer signs, old license plates and country music coming from the juke box. The waitress came back with our drinks taking an order for several appetizers that we all could share. Everyone was relaxed, laughing at something I hadn’t heard when Edward asked me what I was going to order.
Edward always orders for me
My eyes went to the untouched menu on the table as I blinked away the tears, feeling silly that having to order my own food would make me weep. It wasn’t so much the action of picking out food; I’ve been doing that since I could read. The problem was the overwhelming feeling of grief and loss plus the fact that I didn’t know how to act. Why have me be in full sub mode when there is no one to serve? It was like I was my own submissive, which made absolutely no sense.
The waitress was back and picking up the menu I ordered the first thing I saw – steak salad – knowing that I probably wouldn’t be eating much of it anyway. I tried really hard to fit in with the banter at the table, smiling at the appropriate times, eating bites of food that I couldn’t taste. Half way through the meal Rose asked to use the bathroom, actually her exact words were “Your child is kicking my bladder,” to which Emmett replied, “You’d better go empty it.”
I knew it was her way of asking permission and I’m sure Alice did too as she rolled her eyes while announcing she would go too. As they stood Alice summoned me to go along, my gaze going to Edward was met with him turning his head to ask Jasper a question. I didn’t have to pee but I couldn’t sit there anymore either. Picking up my purse I followed the entourage to the back of the pub where the restrooms were.
“Do you have a headache or something Bella?”
I hated lying but I certainly wasn’t giving Alice any information, “Just a little one, too much sun.”
Rose gave me a sympathetic smile; she was a smart woman and knew something was amiss. She never asked, which was a good thing as I wouldn’t have known what to tell her anyway. When we got back to the table Edward was standing by the juke box. As I approached him to present myself he turned and kissed my forehead saying there were three songs left if I wanted to pick something out, leaving me alone while he went back to the table.
Standing there looking at the digital listings I let the grief wash over me picking out the first three songs that I knew. Wiping my face with the back of my hands I stood there a few more moments until I was sure the tears wouldn’t be discernible.
I had just sat back down when Emmett started talking about something he wanted to do in the morning which did not make Alice happy at all. “When? It’s the only day I’ll get to sleep in.”
Pointing his finger at his sister he was adamant, “Eight-thirty in the workout room, be there,” his finger pointed in my direction, “You too little Bella, eight-thirty or I’m coming to get you and then you’ll be running laps.”
What the heck is this, gym class?
“Ummm…what are we doing?” I suppose he must have already told everyone but I just sat back down and was oblivious. I was game for whatever everyone wanted to do, or at least I thought that was the case until hearing his plans, “Self-defense lessons.”
At my shaking head he only smiled widely contradicting my ‘no’ by nodding his head ‘yes’ while Alice grumbled, “Come on Bella, if I have to be there so do you. Besides, think how much fun it will be to beat up Emmett!”
Glancing at Edward he shrugged, “When else are you going to be able to take some free jabs at him?”
Oh, that is not a good idea
When everyone was done eating we sat there talking some more while they all finished off the pitchers of beer. Right before we left one of the songs I had played came on making me smile. “This is your song.”
“Excuse me?” Edward asked.
“Yesterday, you wanted to know what your song was on the phone, this is it.”
Regarding me for a moment his eyes softened, “Evanescence’s, Bring me to Life?”
At my nod he genuinely smiled before putting back on the mask of hardness he had been wearing all night.
The rest of the evening was more of the same, the only bit of pleasure I had was walking into the Casino. I had never been in one so all the lights, sounds, and people were rather exciting. Gambling was not something I took part in, not even playing the lottery on a regular basis. Of course I do purchase a dollar ticket when the jackpot hits two hundred and fifty million but that’s the extent of my wagering. It just seems a waste to throw money away on a chance. I would much rather buy something with it that I enjoy than have nothing to show for it. As Charlie would say ‘You might as well burn it.’
The basic excitement wore off quickly as I realized the extent of some people’s obsession. One little old lady sat in a chair playing not only the slot machine in front of her but the two on either side. Other people seemed to be glued to their seat as was evident by the pile of empty glasses and full ashtrays. Personally, I didn’t see anything good in participating, so I didn’t. My time there was basically spent walking around behind Edward and watching Emmett as he tried to explain how to play Craps.
There was a live band but the dance floor was so full there was nowhere to move and I really wasn’t in the mood to dance. I was, however, trying to figure out what Edward had meant by his words. Some it I had figured out, at least I thought I had. He wanted me to go through the motions of service because if there is no meaning behind it then all it was – was a gesture. Once I resolved that in my mind it was easier to not be so defeated. Not that it still didn’t hurt to have him disregard me, but at least I could rationalize it.
Driving back to the hotel I was so miserable and tired of putting on a fake smile that I actually sat on the seat next to Edward and sulked. Thoughts of Vinny’s pouty face from the morning filled my vision and even though I knew it was childish, I couldn’t help it. They were all talking about going to Emmett and Rose’s to watch a movie; that was the last thing I felt like doing. All I wanted was to go to our room, soak in the tub and have a good cry.
Taking my place behind Edward we got out of the elevator, walking down the hall a few steps behind him with my eyes on the floor, I had a moment of clarity in my thought. Standing at the door waiting to be let inside I saw Edward in a different light then I had all night. I’d been so wrapped up in myself that I forget to think about him. I loved him beyond all reason and I knew without a doubt that he loved me so there had to be a purpose for what he was doing.
Stepping inside their room I was struck by the differences in the decor between our rooms. Ours was all done in homey tones of beige, Alice’s was painted a warm sage color and Rose’s was stake white. Looking around I spotted the purple vase she had bought sitting on the table. For some reason that struck a nerve with me and I thought about how it also related to the relationship I had with Edward. Just as with the two men who toiled together to make something so beautiful were a partnership, so were Edward and I. Each of them had their job to do but yet they needed to work together the same as us. If one was not paying attention or went off on their own, then the piece they were working on wouldn’t come out right. It was tedious at times yet the finished product was truly a beautiful work of art and worth the effort it took to make.
Edward’s words came back to me, ‘talk is cheap, don’t tell me you’re sorry, show me.” The whole night hadn’t been about punishing me for talking to Jane or not knowing the answer to what His collar means. He was forcing me to see something; he wanted me to to show him that I understood.
No the night hadn’t been about punishment, it was about disciplining me.
There was a lesson to be learned and had I not been so wrapped up in my own feelings I just might have been able to see it sooner. Just as with not approaching him with my inquiries because of my own ego I let hurt feelings obscure what was right in front of me.
It was a lesson in humility.
The more I thought about it, the more I understood. I had been so stubborn in wanting to show him that I didn’t need his guidance that I let my pride overrule my common sense to prove I was a big girl. There was a vast difference between putting on big girl panties so that you could handle the stress and challenges of life and another thing to be so damned determined that you refuse to seek the help you need from the one person who can give it to you.
That conviction became clearer as I thought back to the words Jane had told me the first time we spoke. ‘There is no such things as needing your Master too much. He wants to be needed, it brings him satisfaction.’
Earlier Edward was trying to tell me the very same thing when he said, ‘You can and should always come to me with everything; I want you to, and furthermore expect it from you.’
At the time when Edward said those words I had been so wrapped up in what was happening to me, that I wasn’t listening and in that I had done him a great disservice. Through my own obstinacy I was doing the same thing to Edward that I had done with Charlie. Pushing him away in order to prove that the only person I needed to depend on was myself. It wasn’t fair to dad and it’s not fair to Edward.
The only difference between the two of them was Charlie didn’t call me on it and Edward wasn’t going to let me get away with it. Edward was well aware of how hard it is for me to ask anyone for any kind of assistance, be it financial, emotional or physical. He was going to push me past whatever mental block I had until I was forced to humble myself and learn to depend solely on him. Edward wasn’t going to accept anything less and if I was being honest, being able to count on someone was what I have always longed for.
Edward was also reminding me or rather forcing me to remind myself what’s at stake. The image of our see-saw came into my mind and how together we keep it balanced. When that happens we are both happy and fulfilled, when one steps away even a little bit the other one crashes. Without warning and due to my own vanity I had moved away. Just like with the glass blowing, my sudden movement caused a crack that needed to be fixed…my hand flew to Master’s collar and I knew…I knew what it meant to wear his collar around my neck.
The night had been so long that I couldn’t wait another second, I needed my Master and he needed to know. But with the realization I just had, along with his instructions, I didn’t know how to get his attention. If I approached him he would ignore me as he had all night. Then it came to me, I was told not to use his proper name or refer to him as Master but her never said not to use…
“Asgaya.”
At hearing me say Sir, Edward stiffened and I repeated the word adding a beseeching please on the end.
“Asgaya …hoto'vta.”
Edward turned, giving me the most penetrating stare I had ever seen.
Now what Bella?
I needed to end the horrible turmoil that my arrogant disobedience had caused. There was only one way I could think to do it. Swallowing hard I spoke out the word I never thought I would say, “PAY-chuh.”
Red
At that word Edward’s face softened and the tension he had been holding in his shoulders dissipated as he held his arms out to me in an invitation to go to him. It didn’t matter to me that everyone was watching us; all I cared about was being where I belonged. Tears were already streaming down my face as I leaped into his arms. He lifted me off the floor letting my feet dangle as I held on to his neck sobbing against his shoulder.
I could feel his arms tighten around me while he took his own stuttering breath before speaking quietly to his family, “We’ll see you tomorrow.”
Then he was walking, shushing me, while heading down the corridor to our room. Crying the words came out came out of me, “I kn..know what your collar means.”
“Tell me baby,” he whispered before I felt his lips against my temple.
Through my tears I told him exactly what wearing his collar meant, “Total…com..complete…surrender.”
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