Chapter 74

EPOV

I didn’t want to wake up, it was our last full day of vacation and I was leaning towards Bella’s suggestion of running away to the Mexico for the next month.  There was too much waiting for us at home and I wondered how we were going to sift through everything. Plus there was lesson that Bella needed to learn and I was going to have to teach it to her. It might have been better to go back to sleep however my mind kept bringing back the events of the previous night. 

Bella had told me about the plans to meet at my parents for drinks and snacks after having dinner at Leah’s. That was enough information because I was sure that following the long drive home I would have rather just stayed in. Dinner was one thing, after being away Bella should spend time with her family, besides they had kept Seth for us and eating there would be a polite gesture along with saving us the hassle of cooking.

The thought of going to my parent’s wasn’t as appealing.  Even though I hadn’t seen Marcus and Didyme since Thanksgiving and I enjoyed their company, it would make for a long day. There was no way that we could back out of it and I was just glad mom was hosting the get-together at the apartment in the city rather than at the house on the Island.

The thing that threw me for a loop was the conversation Bella had with Jane. The main fear I had when granting permission for them to speak together seemed to be coming to fruition. My submissive was seeking the advice of her mentor rather than addressing her concerns to me.

I will admit to reprimanding Bella for the insufferable whining when she inquired as to ‘Why’ I gave her the task of setting goals. However after that was over and she had relaxed I opened up the line of communication so that she could ask me anything that needed to be clarified. We could have sat there all day getting to the heart of the issue however Bella assured me that she understood and had no questions for me.

Thinking that was the end of it or if something else would surface Bella would bring her difficulties to me. So when I was told that she asked Jane her opinion on the subject I was rather upset. My first inclination was that Bella had wanted to get Jane’s judgment on the matter, as if my Aunt was granting credibility to my decisions. That was something I wasn’t going to allow and was happy for a brief moment when Bella assured me that wasn’t the case. Her defense was that she wanted direction.

Direction with what?

The only thing I could think of was that Bella had asked for help in choosing the goals themselves. That was not part of the exercise, if it was I would have chosen for her not someone else. Even though she swore that wasn’t what happened I couldn’t help but be offended. 

She should have come to me

Her reasoning for not doing so only fueled the insult.

Because I yelled at her.

I didn’t yell at her

The interpretation of the events created a misunderstanding, which was either a miscommunication or a mental breakdown between the sexes. Where I had thought the issue had been resolved in all actually it was lying dormant in Bella’s anxiety. She didn’t bring her quandaries to me for fear of being yelled at. I didn’t know what to do in order to ease the fear of me, or rather my reactions to her. I did not at any time raise my voice or lose control of my temper, yet I refuse to be spineless.  I could not and would not ever allow Bella to get away with behaving like a spoiled brat who moped, whined and bitched her way out of doing something.

That wasn’t going to happen

If anything Isabella was going to became even more aware of her reactions, the upcoming weekend was going to be spent working on that horrible habit she has of sighing. It wasn’t going to be an easy lesson and I had an idea already planned on how to approach it. However after reading what Bella wrote in her journal, the brutally honest words lead me to rethink my course of action. The nasty habit was still going to be addressed just in a different manner then I had planned. And I had to admit that I felt like an arrogant bastard for even considering the original strategy.

How many times had she cried out during her sleep ‘don’t leave me’ or said how she would beg her mother to stay with her only to be left behind. Bella stated from the very beginning that anyone who professed to care, deserted her for something more important. One of her biggest fears is that I would do the same thing and there I was contemplating using those insecurities as a means of discipline.

Lying in bed holding the most important person in my life I thought back to the words Emmett told me the first night I mentioned accepting Bella’s submission.

‘Make sure you know her fears. Then stay away from them. You can’t do it. She will freak out, and you’ll lose all trust. Constantly reassure her, but don’t be a fucking pussy either. She needs what you have man, don’t treat her with kid gloves. If you do, she won’t grow, and she will end up resenting you.’ (((Chap 7)))

At the time I was sure that I had a firm grasp on what Emmett was talking about. However it was becoming clear to me that there is a fine line between perception and performance and I had almost made a grave mistake.

It was bad enough that I left her alone in the bedroom to stumble through her own grief and feelings of abandonment while I wallowed on the balcony in my own self-perceived inadequacies. That wasn’t fair to her and had I just followed my own expectations of open communication the whole damn thing could have been avoided. Blaming the situation on someone else or the surrounding circumstances would have been an easy out. However the fault rest solely on my shoulders and I’m man enough to own up and accept the responsibility.

The whole evening with all its fucked up emotions should never have happened or at the very least shouldn’t have been dragged out as long as it was. Rather than drive with my parents I should have insisted on taking our own car so we could talk it out. Instead the longer it was left unsettled the more aggravated I became.  To the point where while we sat playing a game with my family I was beginning to doubt my ability to continue Isabella’s training.

At the time I was going on the only information I had and all I could think of was, if Bella worried about coming to me with something so simple how in the world could she trust me once I really started to push her? Of course that line of thinking changed once the whole truth came out and I realized that there was more to the situation then met the eye.

By the time we had gotten back to the room I had worked myself into such a funk that I was beyond frustrated. The only thing I wanted to do was read whatever the hell Bella was going to write in hopes that I could gain some understanding of what was going on in her mind. I needed to know exactly what I had done or what I should have done differently. Looking back at the situation I had been abrupt in my departure, leaving her alone in the bedroom to write. But by that time there was so much uncertainty in my own mind that I was afraid if I stayed my temper would have gotten the better of me making the whole situation worse. 

While I sat on the balcony waiting for Bella to finish her writing the anxiety began to set in and I had to fight with myself to not go into the bedroom and demand the answers that I needed.  The first glass of wine went down smoothly, half way through the second one I was to the point where it was getting harder to wait. All I could dwell on was Bella’s inability or unwillingness to come to me with her concerns. As it was the best sound I had heard all night was the screen door leading out to the balcony sliding open. 

Her footsteps were tentative as well as the hand she placed on my shoulder.

“Are you ok?” Something in the contact sooth me to the point of unshed tears, I loved her with a depth that I couldn’t comprehend. Perhaps it was the fate that Bella is always taking about or maybe we are what she called soul mates all I knew was that at that moment her soft touch made me whole.

My head leaned in to her hand letting my cheek rest against her wrist “I am now nâhtötse”

“Are you angry with me?”  Her voice was soft as her fingers threaded through the hair on the back of my head.

Taking a hold of the hand on my shoulder I tugged her in front of me until I could grip her hips. Pulling on  them, she straddled my thighs with her knees on the cushion and resting her bottom on my lap. “I’m never mad at you Bella”

Using both hands I tucked her hair behind her ears noticing the puffy redness around her eyes “a little irritated, bewildered and frustrated”

“You forgot annoyed and incensed” the sadness of her voice reflected off her face from the light coming over my shoulders through the patio door.

“No baby, if I am those things it’s with myself, not you”

“Why?”

Staring into her troubled eyes I told her all that I had been thinking, my worries about her association with Jane, our confusions with her version of being yelled at and my lack of understanding why she wouldn’t have come to me for advice.  Bella listened to me with an apprehensive expression as she bit on the corner of her bottom lip. Once I was done my hand slid down the length of her hair, stopping at the ends to twirl it around my fingers.

“I’m just trying to figure out what I did that made you afraid to come to me”

“I’m not afraid of you” Bella had said those words before yet her actions clearly said differently. “Edward I didn’t ask Jane’s advice to undermined you. I would never do that and I don’t think she would ever put herself in that position.” Taking a deep breath her eyes grew wide “Aro would punish her good for doing that”

Bella had a point there; I could only imagine the punishment Jane would get for interfering. My mind thought back to the day after the Jessica fiasco when we were sitting at Jane’s desk reconciling the alcohol inventory. She was about to give her opinion to me on something having to do with Bella when Aro overheard. Stopping her immediately it was clear that he was not happy and I was sure that when he was done with her, Jane wasn’t happy either.

So Bella was correct I highly doubted that my Aunt would do or say anything to intrude. 

“I would have asked you…” she stopped giving me a wistful look “…but in all honesty I didn’t even know what I was asking for.”

What the hell did that mean?

My face must have shown the confusion as she sighed – that fucking sigh – “I told you that all I wanted was direction because you said ‘anything’ and that’s a very broad spectrum. So I thought that maybe Jane could help me to comprehend if you meant my submission or life in general”

Yeah there it was

“That was something you should have asked me Bella” My tone was more forceful then it should have been but I needed her to understand how important it was to come to me. However I was completely humbled by her next statement.

“That’s what Jane said and I was going to ask you after I followed her advice and compartmentalized my options.”

“What do you mean…compartmentalize?”

“Jane suggested that I divide my life up into different aspects. Not just not just work, home and D/s but every aspect of my life. She said that if I thought about it and broke it down there should be at least ten different categories, then under each heading start filling in goals, both long and short term.”

I honestly didn’t know what she meant so I was glad Bella elaborated “You know like under the heading ‘Household’ I would write ‘learn how to make baklava and learn about environmentally friendly cleaning products and use them. Then under ‘Family’ I would like to host a monthly dinner, under ‘Career’ maybe think about getting a doctorate…” she gave me a knowing look “of course that would be long term but you get the idea.”

I did, and I wondered “Did you come up with ten headings?”

Bella smiled “With possibilities I have thirteen”

“Possibilities?”

Bella nodded at my inquiry as she explained “Jane said that she always includes that heading it’s where she list all the probably never going to happen but wouldn’t it be cool if it did stuff. Like to me I think it would be exciting to spend a winter in Skagway Alaska, snowed in with no TV and you need a generator for electric.”

Ok that was shocking and I couldn’t even think of a reply because there was no fucking way I would spend a winter in Alaska under a hundred and fifty feet of snow. However I did understand the concept of what Bella was talking about.

“Anyway, with dissecting my life and setting goals for myself under each section, Jane said it might be easier to see what was important to me and also what I could accomplish in the time frame that you set. Like I said, it never would have occurred to me to do something like that or seen how my wanting to learn about aromatherapy would have anything to do with my submission to you.”

Looking into her eyes I tried to make Bella understand “Everything you do, from what you eat to any skill you learn can be used to enhance your service. To you it might seem like only making a delicious dessert to serve company, yet that shows pride in yourself and courtesy to our guest. Don’t forget Isabella every action you make, good or bad, reflects back to me. So you learning a new skill or getting rid of an annoying habit has everything to do with your submission.” 

“Jane said something like that” With that statement I was beginning to wonder who was doing Bella’s training me or my aunt. 

“Isabella it’s not Jane’s place to explain my motives to you” even though the narrowed eyes I got were irritating I needed to remember that I was openly talking to my girlfriend as I pressed on “Aro has his motives and I have mine, the same task could be handed out for two completely different reasons. In fact I’m going to go one step further and say that the same Dominant can hand out the same task for with two entirely different objectives. That’s why it is not your place to question my motives or try to figure them out by asking someone else.”

“I didn’t ask Jane that and she didn’t tell me why you had me set goals or what you would do with the list I was making. How could she do that when you’re right she wouldn’t know your motives any better than I did?  I assume that she could have guessed but she didn’t. What Jane did tell me was what I would get out of setting goals for myself. How by keeping a running list it gives me an idea of what I’ve accomplished along with showing you what direction I’m heading in so if need be, you could make adjustments.”

She was right about that and given time I would have required her to start such a list. Basically Jane had taken Bella a step further then I was ready for her to go. At the time I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt about that and decided to give myself time to think about it. However there was one question that was eating at me and I wanted an answer to. “So once you had your categories and a few things under each heading were you planning to call Jane again to take the next step?”

“What next step?”

The innocence of her tone brought out my sarcasm “Deciding which goals to set”

Shaking her head I was told “No. The plan was to wait until I was before my Master then ask his direction in making the selections of the goals he asked of his submissive”

“And who’s plan was that Isabella?”

“What do you mean?”

I could feel the muscles in my face strain as I tried to keep myself calm “Did Jane advise you to seek my guidance or did you decide that on your own?” 

Bella’s voice was soft as once again her eyes drifted downward “Master, Jane suggested…”

Not needing to hear anymore I interrupted “Isabella look at me” once I had her attention I went on, “Let’s make one thing very clear, Jane is not my submissive nor is she your Master. I allowed you to speak openly with her so that you would have a support system. That is what she is for, support, not a substitute Dom. When you have a question about a task or an activity that I’ve required of you, the only person you should be seeking the answer from is me. If it took all afternoon we would have sat together and figured out what you needed. I told you the goals could have been anything…”

Bella interrupted me with an exasperated tone “Anything pertaining to what aspect of my life?” at my narrowed eyes she calmed herself as she once again tried to justify her actions. “That was the only question your girl wanted to clarify. It made no difference to her why you had requested her to do it, the only thing that mattered was that she did it correctly. She thought that by solving it on her own you would be…I didn’t want to bother you with something that seemed so trivial.”

Staring into Bella’s deep brown eyes I could see the truth behind what she was saying. Her whole life was lived in obscurity and I wasn’t going to allow that to happen any longer. Holding her cheeks securely between my hands I spoke as forcibly as I could “Isabella nothing, absolutely nothing is more important to me then you are. You are never a bother to me – ever. I would change any plans, drop any appointment or desert any function to make sure that you are properly and amply taken care of. There is no such thing as trivial where you are concerned. Do I make myself clear nâhtötse?”

With my hands still holding her cheeks her nod was awkward “Answer please”

“Yes Sir” at her words my hands released her face as Bella blinked back tears while I made my second argument known. “I understand you wanted to fulfill the task correctly but don’t you think that the best way to achieve that would have been to bring your questions to me?” At her silence I used an analogy she could relate with. “Bella, you’re an educator who hands out assignments all the time. What would you say to one of your students who went to another Psychology professor to ask them a question on a project you dispensed?” while she thought about that I asked “and how would that make you feel if they did?”

“I would feel inadequate” raising one eyebrow I nodded and watched Bella’s face morph into sadness before she added “I’m sorry, I should have sought your help from the very beginning rather than coming to you afterwards”

“Yes you should have and next time…”

“I won’t think twice about coming to you”

The conviction in her words gave me hope that she would follow through but given Bella’s nature something told me that we would be revisiting the matter again. I truly didn’t want to forbid Bella from access to my aunt, even for a short period of time. I still believed that Jane would be a great benefit to her; however as with any tool a mentor has a purpose and sometimes it is hard to not overstep that. I’m also very sure that Jane was only trying to help and in all honesty I personally wouldn’t have known to have Bella dissect her life into categories.  That idea could only come with the almost thirty years of experience Jane has.

Picking up the glass of wine I took a sip before handing it to Bella when she asked for a drink. Setting the glass back down Bella wiggled her butt against my legs. Not sure if she was trying to get comfortable or trying to get something started I brought up the last of the things that had been plaguing my mind.

“So this list that you wanted to show me tomorrow…” realizing it was after midnight I adjusted my wording “tonight, you were going to do that even though I had previously yelled at you?”

Bella’s eyes dropped “I shouldn’t have said that…” using my thumb I touched her chin making her look at me. “Now continue”

With a small sigh she went on “I know that you didn’t yell at me and I was being chastised not for asking but because of the attitude I gave you. When I brought that up earlier it was because you had asked me why I hadn’t just come to you. For all the reasons we just talked about I didn’t, and in all honesty I wanted to wait until I had a real understanding of what I was doing before I showed it to you. When you asked me why I didn’t come to you first …” Bella’s voice became so soft I could barely hear the next part “I’m ashamed to say it but, you didn’t answer me when I asked you why and…”

“And by not answering my question of why, you thought you’d give me a taste of my own medicine”

And there it was

Bella’s eyes dropped as she started chewing on her bottom lip. Grasping her chin firmly to get her attention I wondered “How did that work out for you?”

“Not good and I want you to know that it wasn’t a conscious decision on my part. I hadn’t even realized that I was thinking that until it came out while I was journaling. That was when I grasped my snarky attitude was plain old vindictiveness.”

The clear sadness in her voice told me what she was saying was the truth. Besides, had it been a conscious decision the remorse Bella was dealing with would have been preceded throughout the evening with some kind of gratification. Even if it was only for a short period of time, at some point my obvious frustration would have resulted in her feeling vindicated.  That was in no way the case, all night Bella seemed as despondent as I felt. That did not in any way negate the fact that the situation existed in the first place. It didn’t matter if she set out to be purposely malicious or if she just took advantage of the situation, there was no justification for her actions.

Tilting my head back I closed my eyes as I pulled Bella closer to my body. She snuggled her chest against mine while her head rested on my shoulder as my hand moved soothingly down the length of her back.  Enjoying the feel of her relaxing into me, my thoughts went back to when the whole mess had started.  The vagueness of her answers, the childish excuses and then deflecting blame on me. Mindful of her actions or not, Bella was being a manipulative female. It was a trait that is to be avoided at all cost.

I would shoulder some of the blame for allowing her to drag it out rather than forcing her to answer all my questions as she is suppose too. Sitting there on the balcony holding a yawning Bella against my chest I contemplated what to do about it. My first instinct was to take her inside and flog it out of her so that the next time I ask a question the answer would immediately follow. That would be a sure fire way to bar any chances of her attempts at control. Since that was an impossibility, I was going to have to come up with something else.

Bella yawn again making me follow “How about we put this awful night behind us and go to bed?”

Her head nodded against my neck as my arms tighten around her back for a second before she moved to look into my eyes “Edward…”

There was no need for her to say it “I know your sorry nâhtötse and so am I…” leaning forward I placed a soft kiss on her lips before finishing “…and we will be continuing this discussion when I have my submissive kneeling before me, not my girlfriend snuggled in my lap.”

Swallowing hard her eyes widened and I had to ask “Are you afraid?”

She answered much to quickly “No…” seeming to get her courage she spoke with conviction “Your girl knows her Master will be fair and she trust him”

Good answer

Wishing once again that I could take a flogger to her ass, I gave Bella a good swat making me chuckle at her yelp “Are you sure about that trust?”

 “Ah..Uh” She nodded rubbing her bottom while moving to stand.

Bella went into the bedroom while I locked the patio door and turned out the lights. When I joined her she had just finished brushing her teeth. Rinsing out her mouth with water her eyes watched me in the mirror. “You said when I was kneeling in front of you, is that going to be our usual Wednesday Night?”

At the hopefulness in Bella’s voice I smiled around the toothbrush and after spitting I answered “That was the plan”

“Modified?”

As I consideration the question my plan for teaching her a lesson began to formulate “No, I think a full mode, we’ll start earlier so that you are prepared when we go out with everyone else”

Bella looked slightly apprehensive but she nodded in assent before leaving me to finish in the bathroom. The idea of what I was going to do continued to evolve and if all went as planned Bella would never again try to manipulate the situation or me to her advantage. It might be a hard lesson, yet as my momma always said those are the kind that stick with you.

The covers on my side of the bed were turned down and Bella lay under them on her side. Stretching out between the soft sheets I turned out the small light on the nightstand taking notice of her journal sitting there waiting for me to read. That would have to be postponed because all I wanted to do was hold the woman I loved in my arms. As I lay down Bella shifted closer to rest her head on my shoulder and place a kiss on the skin of my chest.

“I can’t believe our vacation is almost over”

“I know I was thinking about that myself” I told her honestly

“I have an idea” the words were spoken against my skin as Bella placed more kisses up my neck making a soft moan escape me as my dick started to spring to life. “How about we go to the nearest airport, take the next plane to Mexico and disappear for a month”

“Mexico...uh?” I asked tilting her chin so I could reach her lips.

The kisses were soft as she spoke with a breathy voice “Yeah, some place tropical where no one knows us.”

My mouth moved along her jaw “What about Seth?”

“We can send for him”

I smiled against her neck before shifting my body weight to rest on one arm so I could look down at her. The room was dark, except for the dim light coming from the bathroom that allowed me to see the features of her face – she was beautiful.

Bella’s hands wrapped around the back of my neck pulling me to her for a kiss “Doesn’t that sound like good idea?”

It did sound appealing but we had responsibilities. Pulling my head back my eyes searched hers while my hand wondered down to the hem of the night shirt she was still wearing, “What about meeting my aunt and uncle?” her breathing became deeper as she answered “on our way home we could take a detour to Chicago” shaking her head she got that sweet innocent look that I find so appealing “I’ve never been to Chicago”

Smiling my hand glided inside her shirt over the skin along the outside of her thigh “What about meeting with Mr. Weiss, don’t you want to know what he found out?”

“We could conference call or Video chat?” her voice squeaked while my hand continued its journey over her hips.

“Hmmm…” I hummed letting my nose skim along the line of her jaw as my finger drew circles around her navel “What about the anniversary party, your work at the center and the contractors coming to start the bathroom?”

“Well…” her ability to think clearly was coming to an end “…we could make excuses”

“Sounds like you have it all figured out” I spoke quietly against her ear silently chuckling at the little shiver.

At her nod my hand moved up over her ribs and my thumb traced along the underside of her breast while making the last point “What about all of Forks coming next weekend for your sister’s baby shower, don’t you want to be there for that?”

“ohhh…” Bella moaned “I guess your right” she finally agreed as I let my thumb tease her nipple.

Bella’s hand moved down over the planes of my chest and stomach until she reached my waist.  Once she had popped open the snap on the front of my pajama pants her fingers followed the trail downward. The softness of her touch was almost excruciating as her nails grazed over my length of my dick. It felt so fucking good that I practically jumped out of my skin at the feel of her hand wrapping around me and giving a firm stroke.

Adjusting myself I used both my hands to slip her night shirt up, Bella released me and raised her arms while lifting her upper body off the bed so I could remove it. Looking down at her naked form bathed in the soft light being cast from the bathroom I couldn’t help but to admire her splendor.

“My God baby, you are breathtaking” 

She smiled at me while my hands moved along the sides of her body. Spreading her legs was the only invitation that I needed.

My pants were already hanging off my hips and I moved quickly to remove the only obstruction that was left. Bella bent her knees and I used my hip to separate her thighs, there was no need for guidance. It was as if my dick was like a smart missile and knew exactly how to hone in on its target was. There was no better feeling then being sheathed inside my Bella. The warm, wet, tightness felt so fucking good that I couldn’t help the groan that came out of me.

Bella let out her own whimper as the fullness of my weight laid on top of her and our mouths came together in a kiss. There was no reason to rush and I felt no need to possess her, all I wanted to do was make love.

That’s what we did, we loved each other with tender kisses that never seemed to end. Our soft moans and words of affection sounded like a symphony while our bodies brought each other pleasure.  I wanted the feeling of the gentle touches to last so I could savor the tingle that the contact of her skin caused. For that moment of time all there was in the world was just the two of us and that was all that mattered. It was as if we both needed to feel the bond that we shared and neither one of us were in a hurry for it to end.  Even after we had both reached our release there was no feeling of a need to separate, our bodies and mouths stayed as they had been – connected.