Chapter 68

BPOV
My body was so comfortable lying in the large luxurious bed, draped in smooth sheets and thick silky blankets that only one thing could have pulled me from sleep. The feel of soft insistent lips trailing kisses down my neck, warm breath against my skin, hands cupping my breasts while fingers lazily teased my nipples. It wasn’t a thing disrupting my early morning slumber, it was a person.

“Mmm…Edward.”

“Good morning baby,” his words washed over the skin of my bare shoulder as he kissed a new spot.

My eyes were refusing to open even as his hand moved down over my stomach pulling my bottom half impossibly closer to him. The action made me squirm against a very awake Little Eddie.

“Ahh…morning…mmm…what are you doing?” While saying the words my head tilted giving him better access to the spot behind my ear

“I’m keeping a promise,” his hand swept over my hip gripping my thigh to lift my leg as he dipped his hips putting Little Eddie against my happy spot while his nose skimmed along the line of my neck taking in a deep breath. “Mmm…god baby your skin smells amazing.”

The combination of his actions and words made me whimper as my hips moved of their own accord so I could feel more of him while his kisses on my neck continued. The hand on my breast cupped firmer as his fingers rolled and tweaked my nipple, while the other hand floated lightly over my thigh. His touches were so soft; building a fire inside me that was threatening to erupt. My hips moved against him making his dick slide in between my folds letting me feel its heat.

My eyes finally opened as my head turned to face his where he placed a tender kiss on my lips while Little Eddie continued to play slip and slide against my sex. “You are so beautiful.”

I shook my head because he was the beautiful one and I was going to tell him that but Edward stopped the words with another kiss. Pulling back he stared into my eyes nodding his head. “Beautiful, everything about you, your hair, your face, your body, your heart, your very soul, all of you, so absolutely beautiful.”

It always amazed me the way that he saw me, “You have some bias.”
“Maybe…but that’s my right,” with his words his hips dipped once again as his hand wrapped around my thigh lifting it higher and I could feel him at my entrance, slowly sliding inside me as he groaned, “Fuck baby…you feel so good.”

Moaning softly from the feeling of him filling me so gently, “Mmmm…it’s you.”

“It’s us nâhtötse…the two of us…together,” he drew back as slowly as he entered, making me feel every ever-loving inch. Edward kissed me again while his hand on my stomach helped guide his movements inside me. His lips moved under my jaw in little nips tugging on the skin making my breathing embarrassingly harsh as my body craved more of him.

“Please Edward…” my plea fell on deaf ears as the motion of his hips stayed at their slow torturous pace.

“Not yet.…” Edward’s words were labored as if he was in his own agony but that didn’t impede his movement or his words. “…tell me you feel it Bella…the connection…the draw we have …to each other.”

“I feel it.” My admittance was nothing new, nor was it said to get what I wanted even though my hand moved to grip his hip in an attempt to make him move faster, adding another plea,

“Please?”

He was holding himself up on one elbow while his body molded against my back as his face hovered over mine. “Not until you know…not until you believe.”

I wanted to scream ‘I believe’ because at that point I would have said anything to get his hips to move faster, because the slow stroking was driving me crazy, it was distress, he was using persuasion-by-penis and it was working.

“I love everything about you Bella…your intelligence…your sense of humor…your honesty…your humanity and empathy…fuck nâhtötse…I even love your tenacity….and your fucking quirky eating…”

Edward sucked in a breath as if he was trying to calm himself while tears fell down my checks from the words he was saying. “…baby my life is with you…I want to spend…the rest of my life… everyday doing ….nothing but loving you…tell me…tell me you feel it… and you believe.”

“I believe you,” the words came out in a rush.

“Oh…thank Christ!” his own words were said in relief as his hand moved down to lift my thigh again opening me up as he set my foot flat on the bed behind his legs. He kissed me with force and his movements inside me increased. My back arched pushing my hips against his thrusts while his hand held my stomach firmly pulling me against him.

The feel of his quickened pace was more than welcomed as the tension in my body started to build. “Oh…Edward…harder…please…oh please.”

My hand gripped his hip holding onto him firmly while the other held on to his wrist that was still cupping my breast. The pressure was building in my stomach while my breathing was coming out in pants and soft moans.

“Ohhhh…more… god …please more.”

At my words Edward’s hand moved from my stomach and his fingers started rubbing my clit. That was all it took, the warmth of my orgasm sending tingles through me as I cried out in a deep moan. As my body gave way Edward grunted, “Oh…fuck baby…so fucking good.”

His hand that had brought me to release held my hip as he moved forcefully inside me letting me ride out the bliss. He grunted again slamming deep into me with a groan as I felt the warmth of his cum fill me. He moved inside once more letting out a hiss while my muscles squeezed around him.

“Oh Bella…” the gasping words spoken against my ear, “…you have no idea…how good you feel.”

My head turned placing a kiss on his chin talking through my own panting, “I know…how good you feel.”

Edward’s arms squeezed around me while he kissed my temple, “I love you.”

“I love you,” I told him enjoying the quick intake of air he made as I deliberately tightened around him and wondered, “do you feel that?”

It must have been a stupid question because he laughed, “Yesss,” drawing out the word as I did it again.

I suppose it was silly that I didn’t know, considering that even common sense should have told me that he could. The thing was that I had no experience in playing bed-games; the only person besides Edward I was with was James. There were no touchy feely happy explorations that young lovers do. I thought back to the first time that Edward and I were together he said something to me that at the time I didn’t know what he meant, however at that moment it seemed to make sense.

“Edward when you said,” I thought back to that night getting the right phrase, “…‛milk me’…did you mean this?” I tightened again so he knew what I was talking about. “Because I thought milking referred to massaging the prostrate.”

“It’s both,” the grin he must have had was clear in his voice, “basically it refers to draining all the cum out, which is what you keep doing. And since at the time you didn’t have your fingers up my ass…”

My head lifted to give him a devious smile, Edward’s eyes darted to mine, “Don’t even think about it.”

“Come on! Where’s your sense of adventure?” I teased.

“Oh, I got plenty of adventure, however I draw the line there…” I giggled while he mumbled, “I just might have to get you that play partner.”

Play partner?

“I don’t want a play partner,” the thought was creeping me out.

“No?”

Shaking my head at his inquiry Edward moved his body to take ahold of my chin, making him slip from inside me. With his eyes intently looking into mine I was growing uncomfortable. “What about your fantasy from yesterday in the car?”

“I don’t want to be with anyone else. I just want to watch.” The admittance of that desire made me feel depraved as my face heated up making Edward grin.

“You don’t have to be physically involved to control the action,” I understood what he was saying however it still didn’t sound like anything I would be interested in actually participating in.

“No,” my head was shaking in absolute certainty. “I don’t think I would like that.”

Edward’s face softened as he laid down tucking me back into his embrace, “Ok, but you let me know if that ever changes.”

He seemed rather assured about the possibility of that happening; personally, I didn’t see it ever occurring. I truly had very little (if any) desire to be in control, I wasn’t a switch - of that I was sure. My role as being a submissive was something that took me years to come to terms with. Defining the characteristics one by one, seeing how they pertained to me and how those traits had -up to that point- been a factor in the events of my life. That was the first thing I had to accept about myself.

It struck a blow to my female independence, after all, this was the twenty-first century. Women could be anything they wanted, without fear of what society thought, or needing to get permission from the men in their lives. That was one of the major sticking points I fought for in my marriage - aside from staying alive - I wasn’t going to back down from fulfilling my dreams.

The problem was, I was stuck on it being a woman’s role and it was Aro who in one of our very first meetings reminded me that there are lots of submissive males. He also brought up the point that we live in a society that tells women to be whatever they want in order to be fulfilled. So it would stand to reason that if they find true happiness and satisfaction in serving, why should they be looked down upon for that decision? A submissive who wholly embraces her true self has just as much right to do so as a woman who became a brain surgeon. She also deserves to be given the same respect.

The next thing I had to come to understand was that I had more than an appetite for vanilla in me. At first I thought that it was the power of suggestion. As I wrote my dissertation I was submerged into a world of kinky living. While doing research I conjured up more than a few images that wreaked havoc with my libido. The first time I masturbated to the idea of me being on the receiving end of a whip was enough to scare the shit out of me.

However, given time, that all passed away and I found I could embrace those fantasies. Maybe that’s because I thought that’s all they were - fantasies. Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think I would find the peace in my life that I had been searching for. Especially not on my knees at the feet of someone else, giving him permission to exact his will over my life. Yet there I was doing that very thing, and being happy, content, and fulfilled.

I was so satisfied with the role that hailed me as Edward’s possession that I couldn’t imagine being the one in charge. I wouldn’t know what to do and I certainly didn’t want to be involved in any sex act with someone else. My fantasy had nothing to do with me partaking in the deeds, even when I felt that stir of excitement with Claire it was all about the control I had over her.

Hmmm…Maybe Edward was right

Maybe at some point in the future I would go to him with that particular request. He would see that I was trained enough to take on the role of being The Top. I also knew without a doubt that Edward would be present throughout the whole thing. That last thought worked the most at putting my mind to ease.

I laid there wrapped in Edward’s arms with the sheet haphazardly thrown over us, wondering who he would invite. My mind began to speculate and I found myself thinking how much fun it would be to get Jessica or Tanya into the playroom. Devious ideas of extracting my revenge came into my mind. I would be all sweet and nice until I had them where I wanted them and then they would pay – and pay dearly. Suddenly a childhood poem to my mind.

Will you walk into my parlour?" said the Spider to the Fly,
'Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy;
The way into my parlour is up a winding stair,
And I've a many curious things to shew when you are there."

Ok…it’s down a winding stair but the outcome would be the same.

Alas, alas! how very soon this silly little Fly,
Hearing his wily, flattering words, came slowly flitting by;
With buzzing wings she hung aloft, then near and nearer drew,
Thinking only of her brilliant eyes, and green and purple hue --
Thinking only of her crested head -- poor foolish thing! At last,
Up jumped the cunning Spider, and fiercely held her fast.
He dragged her up his winding stair, into his dismal den,
Within his little parlour -- but she ne'er came out again!


I thought about luring them into my parlor with their haughty attitudes and egotistic dispositions. Letting them believe they had the upper hand until - poor foolish thing - my reverie had me in a fit of giggles.

“What’s so funny?” Edward’s question caused my face to heat up. There was no way I was going to tell him what I was thinking.

“Nothing,” I snickered as his arms held me tighter.

“Hmmm…now why don’t I believe you?” At his words he shifted so that I was on my back while Edward hovered over top of me. Meeting his eyes I couldn’t keep the grin off my face.

“Tell me Bella,” he coaxed while I bit my lip shaking my head because it was too embarrassing.

Besides I didn’t want to freely admit my jealousy to myself non-the-less to him. I try hard not to let Edward’s past conquests bother me, yet sometimes, especially when it is thrown in my face I can’t help it. I also couldn’t help the glee that I was feeling at the thought of doing something painfully nasty to the two women who are at the heart of that animosity.

Edward raised one eyebrow in disbelief while he continued to scrutinize my expression. Trying to get my thoughts under control I was struggling to lose the feeling of elation I had in exchange for an air of innocence, and failing miserably.

“Bella? Are you going to force me to pry the information out of you?” I giggled again, more at the seriousness of his tone than anything else. That was until he rose up on his knees and started tickling me.

“Stop!....Edward stop!...” my body was thrashing on the bed while I laughed.

“Tell me Bella,” he insisted while his fingers continued tickling my ribs.

“NO!...Stop!...you’re going to make me pee! Besides, I can have my own thoughts!” the last sentence came out in a rush and to my surprise his fingers stopped while he eyed me once again.

“Your right, you are entitled to your own thoughts. But tell me one thing; do those particular thoughts have anything to do with what we were talking about?”

I debated lying to him for a split second but it wasn’t a habit I wanted to get into, besides trust is of the utmost importance, and I wouldn’t want him to lie to me. With that knowledge I nodded expecting that Edward would continue with his inquest. He surprised me by moving to sit on the edge of the bed making me ask, “Where are you going?”

“I thought you had to pee,” he said glancing over his shoulder at me.

There was a part of me that felt bad wondering if I had hurt his feelings or if he was angry that I wouldn’t share with him what I was thinking. Sitting up with the sheet tucked under my arms I moved to lean against his back. My head rested in the spot between his shoulder blades while my arms wrapped around his waist hugging myself to him.

“Please don’t be upset with me…”

Edward sighed as he maneuvered around in my arms to face me. Cupping my chin his beautiful green eyes gazed into mine. “I’m not upset with you and since your line of thinking had something to do with our conversation I will just have to wait and read about in your journal.”

My journal?

I didn’t think my quick little thought of revenge was journal worthy, it was more for my own enjoyment. Edward however must have completely misunderstood as he went on.

“The thing is that I thought we were past that point. I was under the impression that there was no evasiveness in our discussions.”

Reaching to remove his hand from my chin, I opened his palm tracing the lines, “You have a really long life line.”

“Does that mean I’m going to live long?”

His question was common, however wrong. I shrugged, “It means that you will have an abundant happy life. This is your heart line, head line and your fate,” my finger moved over each area.

“What do they mean?” Edward asked me as I kept looking into his palm tracing the trails as I spoke.

“You have one line that originates in your heart, crosses through your head, and grows deeper in your fate, until this small line comes over from your life to join it. That connection then continues on through your life until it crosses over into the other side.”

My eyes darted to his face meeting his gaze I explained, “That’s your soul mate, the person you spend eternity with.”

He captured my attention with his stare for a long moment until he asked, “What else?”

Taking a deep breath I looked back down at his palm tracing along the fate line that ran through the middle of his hand. “This line right above where your fate and life intersect, branches off into the opposite direction and then perishes. That indicates a part of your life that doesn’t go anywhere. Something that was important to you, changed.”

“Like what?” I shrugged at his question because that was something only he would know but I gave him some ideas.

“It could have been a career change, a variation in your lifestyle or philosophy, or a lost love that fizzled. Whatever it was the line is thick…” my finger traced over the contour I was talking about, “…so that means it was a major part of your life up until that moment.”

Edward was quiet while I explained what all the different twists and turns meant in terms of his personality. How each divot or crevasse in any given area meant something in relationship to his life. When I was done I raised his palm placing a kiss in the center of it before looking back into his eyes.

“I wasn’t being evasive Edward, my mind had drifted to a childhood poem ‘The Spider and the Fly’ and with that I mused how there are some people who have intersected with your life that I would love to get into my web and be rid of them. That’s what I found so funny. I don’t want to withhold anything from you, but at the same time I should be able to have those thoughts knowing that I have the privilege of keeping them to myself.”

It took him a moment before he said anything as his eyes continued to stare into mine and then he smiled sadly. “You’re right, are there lines in there that tell you how many times I’m going to act like a obtrusive ass?”

I smiled using the tip of my nail tracing over imaginary lines, “Well…there are a whole bunch right in here.”

Edward chuckled leaning in to kiss me with enough force that we fell back on the bed making my head land on the soft pillows. He pulled back to look down at me, “I’m sorry nâhtötse. It’s no excuse but I just want to be a part of everything in your life.” He brushed a lock of hair behind my ear before adding, “I’ll try to remember that you need some space too.”

“Not too much space,” I told him tightening my arms around his waist “I like you nice and close…so I can keep my eye on you.”

“I’m not going any place. They couldn’t pry me away from you,” he assured me with a small kiss before pulling the sheet further off my body and laying the side of his head in the area just below my breast. The scruff on his chin felt prickly against the sensitive skin and I could feel his breaths wash over me as I lazily ran my fingers through his soft silky hair.

“Edward do we have to go anywhere this morning?” the movement of his head shaking caused the stubble on his face to tickle my skin as he spoke, “No…do you want to do something?”

“Actually I don’t want to do anything. I thought we could make a pot of coffee, order breakfast, and spend the morning naked in bed.”

Edward raised his head resting his chin on my sternum looking at me with a he twinkle in his eye, “If you insist, and I think the room service guy might enjoy that.”

I giggled, “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

Laying his head back down we stayed liked that for a few minutes holding each other and just being together until my stomach made its presence known. The loud rumbling growl made me giggle as Edward laughed, “Jesus baby, it sounds like you have angry bear in there!”

“I’m sorry, I guess I’m hungry,” giggling as it rumbled yet again.

Edward laughed pulling away from my body to lay next me with his upper body raised as he leaned on his elbow, “Damn! I better order you food before you wake up the whole hotel!”

“Shut up!” I laughed swatting at his shoulder. Edward grabbed my hand pulling me towards him while he laid down bringing me on top of him. His hands moved down my sides to rest on my bottom. With my body pressed firmly against his there was something else that made its presence known, my bladder was full and protesting.

“I really do have to pee.”

Edward gave me a devious smile pressing his hands against the small of my back making me groan, “Ohhh…that’s not nice.”

He chuckled giving my bottom a quick swat, “Go.”

As I scurried off the bed towards the bathroom I could hear him moving around but I was too intent on my mission to care what he was doing. I was in such a hurry that I didn’t completely close the bathroom door so when I sat on the commode Edward chuckled at my huge sigh of relief. I could hear him rustling around in the drawers looking for something.

“Thanks for unpacking for me,” he called through the doorway.

“You’re welcome.” We hadn’t time to unpack when we arrived because Edward had other ideas. Not that I was complaining in the least, but I hate living out of suitcases, so while he watched the game with his family, I put everything away. As I stood to wash my hands Edward talked through the crack in the door.

“I’m going to start coffee and order breakfast, anything special you want?”

“Something light, how about a Croissant and fruit?”

“Ummm…” I assumed he was reading the menu, “…they have a melon medley.”

“That’s good,” I said turning off the water.

“What else? You need some protein Bella.”

I was glad the door was still partly closed as I rolled my eyes while drying my hands. I told him to get me a poached egg because the last thing I wanted to do was let my eating habits slip. There was no way I wanted to be punished for that again.

Edward told me to start the shower he would order the food and then join me, making me giggle when he promised to wash all my dirty spots. The large marble open shower truly was heavenly; the waterfall nozzle overhead trickled down while the wall mounts were positioned in such a way that almost every area of my body was being sprayed.

I stood there just enjoying the water for a few minutes waiting for Edward. When he didn’t come back I started my routine, washing my hair and soaping up my body, moving as slowly as possible. Once I was done there was still no Edward and no reason for me to remain so I turned everything off and got out.

Wrapped in a towel I noticed that the bathroom door to the living room was closed, in hind sight that probably should have been a clue. However, I moved into the bedroom not paying any mind to that closed door either. Standing in front of the dresser I towel dried my hair and rather than fully dry it I ran the brush through, putting it in two nice even braided pig-tails. Leaning down to get my blue baby doll nightie from out of the dresser, I drew in a deep breath of the yellow roses Edward had given me. After pulling the nightie over my head I picked up the card to re-read what he written.

The rose speaks of love silently in a language known only to the heart.

Edward was such a romantic

Thinking that the roses needed light to fully open I looked over at the small seating area in front of the window before deciding that I wanted them out in the main room, where I would be able to see them. The bouquet was full making opening the door difficult and I couldn’t help but to bring them closer to my face to enjoy the fragrance as I spoke.

“Edward I had to wash my own dirty spots. But I did put my hair in pig-tails so you could defile me all over again.”

“Those are beautiful roses Bella.”

That was not the voice I was expecting to hear

Moving the roses aside I looked over towards the seating area to see Esme standing there with a smile on her face and Edward behind her silently laughing his ass off. I was sure that my face was bright red and really glad I had chosen a nightie that was on the conservative side.

“Ed…Edward surprised me with them,” I said trying to get the embarrassment from my word vomit under control.

Esme’s smile stayed plastered on her face while she glanced at her son, who was still laughing, “I’m sorry to interrupt, but Edward wasn’t answering his phone and I wanted to see if you were going to join us for breakfast.”

“I told mom that we had just ordered room service and would meet them later.” How Edward talked through the large grin on his face was beyond me.

I still hadn’t moved and had to force my feet to propel me towards them. Since Esme wasn’t going to say anything about my naughty comment I decided to act like it never happened. I placed the vase on the coffee table while Esme scolded her son. “You need to leave your phone on so that I can reach you.”

Looking for a way to get back into her good graces I said, “You should have my number Esme, I never turn my phone off.”

Unconsciously I could feel my right foot rubbing against the soft carpet. That also was another lesson I did not ever want to be repeated.

“That might be a good idea,” She answered shifting her gaze from my eyes to the braids on either side of my head. I could feel my face heating up as I tried to smile while she began to move in order to take her leave. She kissed Edward’s cheek and gave me a small hug as she spoke, “Enjoy your breakfast, I’ll see you both later.”

Edward put his hand on the small of my back urging me along as he walked her to the door. Before leaving she told us that lunch was a free for all and the plan for dinner was to order take out to eat on the beach. After saying good-bye again she gave me another strange look that I totally understood and left.

With his mother gone Edward completely lost his composure, breaking out in a fit of laughter while I was mortified. “Oh my god Edward, your mother must think I’m the biggest degenerate slut!”

“No she doesn’t,” he said through his laughter pulling me into a hug while I mumbled against his chest, “I can’t believe she heard me say that…pig tails so you could defile me.” He was laughing so hard my head was bobbing around from the movement of his chest

“It’s not funny!” My protest might have carried more weight if I hadn’t been laughing too.

“Oh, Bella…” he said while chuckling. “I’m going to shower, breakfast should be here soon, so I’m afraid the defiling will have to wait.”

His hands pulled on my two pig-tails making my head tilt backwards so I was looking up into his face. Most of the humor was gone as he stared down at me, “Just so you know, I do like these…very much.”

Holding on to the two braids Edward kissed me. The mixture of his mouth mingling with mine along with the slight pain of my hair being pulled made me moan. Drawing back my eyes opened to see his dark deep-green gaze and when he spoke his voice was intense. “Oh yes nâhtötse, I like them very, very much.”

With a sigh Edward released me and while he walked towards the bedroom I stood there taking my own deep breaths while shaking my head to clear my mind. The aroma of fresh coffee is what led me to the small kitchen area, after getting a cup I took it with me to enjoy on the balcony.

The morning was spectacular. The air was slightly cool but the sun was warm, casting rays of bright yellow and orange against the ocean. I sat in the cushioned patio chair watching the waves roll against the sandy shore. Unlike the beaches in LaPush there were no rocks along the shoreline, just a seemingly endless trail of golden sand. A few seagulls flew overhead and I watched as every now and then one would dive headfirst into the water to catch a fish. It was quiet, calm, and peaceful; it was exactly what I needed.

My first cup of coffee was done and while I went inside for a refill there was a loud knock at the door. Before I could answer it Edward came out of the bedroom dressed in clean pajama pants and a t-shirt, his hair was still damp from the shower. “I got it babe.”

Since he was taking care of the door I poured us both coffee and we decided to take the tray of food out on the balcony to eat. Edward sat the tray down on the table between our chairs and when I placed his coffee on it I seen my journal. The night before I had updated my food intake and written some of my thoughts on the playtime we had, along with starting a new entry.

Edward took his seat while he started pulling the silver lids off of the plates. He had ordered a full breakfast of bacon, scrambled eggs and home fries complete with orange juice and toast.

“We didn’t get a chance to have our after session talk last night,” Edward said putting salt on his eggs while I spread jam on the bottom half of my croissant. Placing the poached egg on top of it I wished I had some ketchup and just as the thought entered my mind Edward placed two packets of Heinz on the tray in front of my plate.

I have to admit that the night before when I walked into the bedroom to see the rose’s sitting there I was happy; but seeing those two little packs of ketchup made me ecstatic.

“Did you order those for me?” I thought that it was possible they just came with each tray. Edward looked at me with narrowed eyes, “I wasn’t sure if you put ketchup on poached eggs or not, but I figured if not, you could use the packets later on something else.”

It was silly that I should get so emotional over something as stupid as Edward ordering me ketchup, but I couldn’t help the tears that formed in my eyes. Everyone always laughed at my eating habits and the only other person who always remembered my ketchup fixation was Jake. I sat there looking into Edward’s eyes blinking back the tears watching his expression turning to concern. His hand reached out to stroke my face, “Bella, what’s the matter?”

Smiling I shook my head to ease his worry, “Nothing…I love you.”

What was I supposed to say? You’re looking at a crazy woman who cries over ketchup packets?
Oh, and by the way, she thinks you are the greatest person on the face of the earth. Not because you gave her eighty dollar roses, no - it was the ten cent ketchup packets that earn that title. Edward would have thought I was insane, and maybe I was but at that moment I never felt more loved or accepted.

Edward gave me a goofy grin, almost as if he could read my mind and knew the ridiculousness of my musing. “I love you too nâhtötse.”

And I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he did.

When he picked up his coffee my attention went back to my food. Opening up one of the packets I squeezed the ketchup on top of the egg before poking the yoke and smearing it all together. Edward watched me with astute fascination as I cut off a piece of food, chewing it while taking a drink of coffee.

“Good?” Edward asked, but with my mouth full all I could do was nod.

“Alright then,” he smiled at me, “about our session. Was there anything you wanted to say about it?” he asked me before putting a bite of egg into his mouth.

I shook my head and I should have known better then to dismiss the question so easily. Edward scrutinized me with narrowed eyes waiting for my correct response. “I liked it.”

He nodded taking another drink while I ate a piece of honeydew melon. When it was clear to me that Edward wasn’t going to ask me anymore questions I took it upon myself to be more forthcoming. “I was excited and glad that we had enough time to play. Which reminds me, do you still have those play lists on your computer?”

“Yes…would you like them?”

Nodding I answered enthusiastically, “Yes! The one in the car was so pretty and the second one, well…”

“What?”

My teeth bit into my bottom lip and even though I let this man tie me up and bring me to orgasm by whipping me with a leather crop I couldn’t keep the blush off my face. “I don’t really remember any of it.”

Edward chuckled, “I guess that means I did a good job at keeping you distracted.”

“I would say you did a very good job.”

“Give me your I-pod and I will download the two lists for you,” he assured me while reaching for my journal. “I’m more interested in this statement.”

Edward opened the pages to the place where he had placed the pen inside the book as a marker. He scanned my writing before reading aloud.

‘It took everything I had to remain in that chair, to not scream out in fear and to
submit to my Master. The anxiety was building so fast that I could feel my heart
beating in my chest as the memories came flooding back to me. No matter how
much I tried to push them away, telling myself that I was safe, my mind brought
everything back in perfect recall. I didn’t want to be afraid but I couldn’t stop it.’

Edward looked at me as if he was gaging my reaction to my own words, and then asked what he wanted to know. “Those feelings of being afraid, were they strictly from the gag?”

I had to think for a minute before I answered. “It was the combination of everything. Being spread open, my hands up, the gag…all those things brought back the memories of …of being…”

No matter how many times I thought about that day and what occurred in my kitchen I could never bring myself to say the word rape. I would call it domestic violence, an assault, or admit to being attacked and traumatized yet what it really was escaped my vocabulary. To me there is a stigma attached to that word, which somehow makes the victim feel even dirtier then she already does. Perhaps that is because it is such a grievous act, the ultimate violation that involves the taking of something so personally intimate.

It is a heinous act of violence that leaves the victim to have to justify her actions to everyone who asks. The police, hospital, family, and friends all want to know in vivid detail what happened. They force the victim to retell the nightmare over and over again, each time reliving every moment as if it was just occurring. Each time she tells her account the victim is placed under the watchful eye of the authorities. All of who seem to be waiting for any small deviation in recollection. Then if there is a catch in her memory the whole ordeal is questioned along with her motives. The victim is then left to her own new sense of reality and safety; she’s abandoned to bear the brunt of the pain, shame, and her own guilt.

It may be a world of denial that I’m living in, and maybe I’m wrong or just too weak to face the reality; but from the time I woke up in the hospital battered, bruised and beaten and no matter what the authorities said happened to me, in an act of self-preservation my mind rejected the term and all the connotation that goes along with it.

This day was no different. Giving pause I chose a different word, “…violated.”

Edward stared at me as if he was reliving what I had told him about that day. I waited for the look of pity to cross his face, it never came. Instead I was greeted with what appeared to be guilt. “I didn’t mean to bring that all back to you. The last thing I want is for you to be afraid. There should never be any fear…”

“That’s not true Edward,” he was waiting for me to elaborate - so I did. “Every time I kneel before you there is a small fear that runs through me. It’s like adrenaline that builds the anticipation, the unknown is a fear.”

“Ok. Then perhaps I should say panic.” I nodded in agreement at his choice of word. “You were on the verge of panic Bella.”

As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t deny his observation. “I was…but you saw it and brought me back to reality. You talked me through the anxiety until I was able to overcome it.”

“And that was all I needed to do…talk?”

“Yes…your voice soothed the terror, helped me to calm down enough to where I could disassociate what was happening at that moment from my memories. All I needed you to do was talk me through it, remind me that I could breathe and that I was with you, not…” I wasn’t going to say his name but Edward knew who I meant, “…and I knew that I could trust you and I was safe. That small act of reassuring me was what allowed me to fully submit to you.”

Edward swallowed the last bite of his toast and took a drink of juice before he asked, “So once that initial panic was gone, everything else was as…usual?”

I could feel the smile spread across my face, “if you are referring to the slow build of desire that takes over my body until it explodes in a mind numbing orgasm…then yes…it was quit ordinary.”

“Ordinary?” he asked incredulously.

“If you are asking about mechanics, then it was typical. If you are asking about the experience as a whole, then it was extraordinary.” At the use of the word Edward practically beamed.

“So, I take it you like the new toy,” he was stating not asking.

“Oh yes, that was great, but BFF is still my favorite.”

Edward grinned shaking his head at my preference in toys.

“Alright…” he said with a chuckle “…so other than extraordinary, is there anything else you have to say?”

I shook my head while chewing on a piece of melon, swallowing I reminded him “Just don’t forget about the playlist”

“I’ll get them for you”

I thought we were done and started stacking the plates while he read through more of my journal entries. As I stood to take the tray into the room he told me to bring the coffee pot back out with me. That simple request let me know that we had more to talk about.

While I was gathering the coffee my eyes fell on the other unopened packet of ketchup and it might have been sentimental but I quickly picked it up, setting it aside so it wouldn’t get thrown away. There was still half a bowl of mixed melons which I brought back out onto the balcony along with the coffee.

Edward seemed very intent while reading my journal and didn’t even wait for me to sit back down to begin. “I don’t know why anything that you do surprises me, yet it happened again.”

Refilling his cup my eyes darted to his quickly wondering what on earth he was talking about. I didn’t have to spectacle for long as he went on “I wanted to give you a topic to explore. The idea was to give it to last night but with our company there wasn’t any time, which was why I picked up your journal today and was truly amazed by what I read.”

My eyes narrowed in confusion trying to look over Edward’s arm to see what he was referring to. I couldn’t really see so I was glad when he enlightened me. “You went from talking about why you were afraid during our session to asking yourself why you submit”

Oh

Edward picked up his cup holding it in his hand while he continued to silently read or maybe he was re-reading before he spoke “It would have been very easy to simply say ‘I submit to bring pleasure to my Master’ but that isn’t the case.”

“I think I did write that” I said stretching my neck in his direction

“Yes you did however that is not your main reason. You wrote…

Although I know that by my totally submitting to my Master’s will brings
him pleasure that is not the only reason I do it. I can be selfless and give of
myself; however there is no way I could be so gallant as to give everything
he ask of me without getting something other than his happiness in return.

So the question I have to ask myself is; what is it that I get from my
submission? First and foremost would be a deep found joy. There is a part
of me that I have only begun to tap into that gains a deep satisfaction in submitting
to His will. Is that something that I should feel guilty about? I don’t believe it is,
especially if mutual satisfaction is the name of the game. There is also something
deep inside me that is comforted in my submitting. I find security, love
and joy in giving Him control over every part of me. It is the only time that I can
be truly free”

Looking up from my journal Edward eyed me and somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered if he didn’t approve of what I said. It wasn’t that I worried about being in trouble because he had told me numerous times that I was free to write whatever I wanted without fear of being punished for it. Still I couldn’t distinguish what he was thinking.

“Did I write something wrong?” I said with a worried voice

Edward narrowed his eyes “No, on the contrary you wrote something very profound that I would venture to say most seasoned submissive wouldn’t have considered. The question I have is why didn’t you finish it?”

“I think I fell asleep” my admittance made Edward grin

“I want you to finish this, exhaust every reason you can think of and I will tell you the higher the number the greater your reward will be. However I will warn you that I expect not only a reason but an example or explanation to go along with it. Just as you have done with the two motives you already stated. Do you understand?”

“Yes Sir. When do you want it by?”

“Friday at the dinner table” he said it like I should have already known and I suppose I should have. Edward picked up the pen, turned a few pages in my journal and started writing. “Along with that I am going to give you a task. Which I also want to see on Friday”

I nodded although I was somewhat anxious about getting everything done on time, especially since we were still on vacation. It didn’t take Edward long and when he was done he closed the journal stuck the pen back into its holder and handed it to me.

I sat there staring at the book in my hand like it was a snake about to bite me. I wanted to see what Edward was asking of me yet unsure if I truly wanted to know. He made the decision for me. “Go ahead nâhtötse, take a look”

Why am I so nervous?

It wasn’t the first time I had been given a task and I highly doubted it would be the last. Opening the journal I found the page where Edward had written what I was to do. Reading it I was filled with both relief and apprehension. I felt relief because it wasn’t anything that would require physical capabilities and apprehension because I wasn’t sure exactly how to set out to fulfill his request. Taking a deep breath I re-read the instructions.

‘You are to set three personal goals for yourself that you can accomplish within the next two weeks.’

Yeah…How the hell am I going to do that?